I Want My Eh-Quit-Tee...

2601 East OCEAN Blvd #605, 90803
Asking Price: $529,000
Purchase Price: $338,000
Beds: 3
Baths: 2
Sq. Ft.: 1,484
$/Sq. Ft.: $356
Year Built: 1973
MLS#: P711189
On Redfin: 71 days
HOA: $566
Income Requirement: $132,250
Down Payment: $105,800
Monthly Nut: $3,300
Description: Highly sought after corner, panoramic ocean and city view unit in the newly remodeled, elegant and oceanfront security building, the 'Versailles', located in the estate section of Bluff Park. Stunning ocean white water views of the shoreline, Queen Mary & Catalina. Not to mention amazing 270 degree plus views back to Downtown LA and the Mountains as well from your floor to ceiling windows in every room! Three bedrooms and 2 balconies make for a great open floor plan with views everywhere you look and terrific ocean breezes!This home is priced aggressively and is a rare find not to be missed!Terrific location steps to Bike Path, beach & Art Museum. Small pet ok.

Just like yesterday's realtor, this guy failed to provide any interior photos. Even more idiotic, this photo appears to have been taken from inside the unit!

How hard is it to turn the camera around?!

What are these morons thinking? But maybe instead of asking what they're thinking, we should be asking what they're afraid of.

Because the lack of photos, combined with the conspicuous lack of interior features mentioned in the description, leaves us with only one reasonable conclusion: This place is a friggin' dump.

And dude, this building is "newly remodeled"?

Really?

Because I just pulled up in my Testarossa, and after turning down the volume on my Live Aid cassette I tugged down on my Oakley Frogskins and caught a glimpse of this lobby:

My Hypercolor shirt turned bright green when I saw it, leading me to believe this place hasn't been remodeled for at least a quarter century.

What say you, Crockett?

"LOOK OUT, TUBBS! IT'S A TOTAL PIECE OF CRAP!"

The exterior photo isn't helping the cause either:

Looks like the update needs an update.

Furthermore, the listing agent, who has ably demonstrated he's really good at this whole home selling thing also claims, "This home is priced aggressively."

Really? Because I have 71 reasons to believe that's total horseshit.

That is, 71 days on market. You're quickly approaching the scarlet number of 90 DOM, meaning without a price reduction your listing is about to go stale and lifeless.

And how stoked do suppose he is about the potential comp killer just one floor down?

$350,000?! That's a great deal! I realize it has one fewer bedroom and 480 fewer square feet, but like our featured seller he has an ocean view, two garage spots, and an HOA fine $201 cheaper.

Okay, okay, fine--it's a short sale [Side note: this rube first put his apartment on the market in 2005. Yikes! Other than a brief sojourn in 2006, he's been begging ever since. And because of his 1,200 days of stubbornness, greed, and ignorance of reality, he watched his pre-bubble purchase go from a potentially profitable transaction to a credit-pummeling short sale. What an idiot. He also hired a listing agent dumb enough to believe excluding interior photos is a wise marketing plan. What is with these realtors?] so "that price doesn't count."

So let's look at sold comps for a little more insight:

$465,000
2601 E Ocean Blvd #709
Sold on Dec 08, 2009
2 bd / 2 ba
1,004 Sq. Ft.

$455,000
2601 East OCEAN Blvd #803
Sold on Sep 29, 2009
2 bd / 2 ba
1,028 Sq. Ft.

Yes, these units are smaller, but both are on higher floors and sport ocean views. And remarkably, they are at least $74,000 cheaper (and believe me, seller, you don't want to know what units are going for in nearby buildings. You'll cry like a febrile baby).

But, as is the case with most pre-bubble, equity-rich Long Beach owners, today's seller is trying to grab as much bubble cash as possible--lack of demand be damned. Considering he purchased in October 2000 for $338,000, I kind of get where he's coming from. After all, he played his cards right (or got lucky depending on how you look at it) and should definitely try to cash in on that windfall.

In this case, a windfall of $161,000 (assuming he finds a buyer for that tired-ass $529,000 asking price). Plus, considering he paid down the note for nearly ten years and didn't put any money into upgrades (the listing description and lack of photos are a dead giveaway), if we assume he didn't HELOC the crap out of this place he's in a really good position.

Except he's letting his greed get in the way of a bubble-profit gravy train. If he truly "priced aggressively," he might be pleasantly surprised by the reaction and sell this thing in no time.

What say you, "Money For Nothing" dude?

"SCREW THAT! I WANT MY EH-QUI-TEE!"

Speaking of money for nothing, after nearly three months on the market you'd think the realtor would advise his client to throw in at least one price reduction. I mean, the message from the market has been pretty loud and clear: DROP. THE. PRICE.

But, just like Monday's seller, this guy and his agent are betting the government incentives will last forever, prices won't drop any further, unemployment will rebound soon, FHA will continue to loan recklessly, and interest rates will stay this low for eternity.

That's an awfully risky roll of the dice. And a helluva lot of equity and bubble profit is on the pass line.