Dwelling on the Past: FINAL UPDATE

A commenter mentioned a while back that this place finally sold.

Jan 2003 - Purchased $730,000
October 2010 - Sold $699,000

Looks like we're below 2003 prices even in Naples! Tough to even comprehend, given how Naples was supposed to be "special" and "immune," but this is indisputable evidence that the last eight years of equity for most homeowners has been completely wiped out -- even the "special" ones. Crazy.

So, a $74,800 loss after commissions. Not terrible, given what we've seen over the years. But we musn't forget the substantial improvements DJ Bankrupt spun into the property. If you recall, the house's condition in '03 was so decrepit that the agent described it as "once thought to be lost to neglect." And I guarantee the "meticulous restoration by the [now former] owner" cost him at least $150,000.

MINIMUM.

So now we're staring down the business end of a $225,000 loss. And the bank sure as fuck wasn't about to absorb it -- how the hell else do you think this short sale got approved so quickly?

So it looks like the bank agreed to forgive about 31 Grand in exchange for DJ Prolapsed Pockets kissing his massive, and incredibly foolish, investment goodbye.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Officially a short sale. Shocker.

But you have to congratulate this delusional twit on riding the Extend-and-Pretend Express for an astounding 228 days. Any bets for the date of the Notice of Default?

And in those 228 days his realtor hasn't even bothered to fix the typos...rats from a sinking ship.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

5576 East VESUVIAN Walk, Long Beach, CA 90803

Asking Price: $799,000

Beds: 2

Baths: 1.25

Sq. Ft.: 1,200

$/Sq. Ft.: $666

Lot Size: 2,400 Sq. Ft.

Year Built: 1957

MLS#: P719642

On Redfin: 53 days

Down Payment: $160,000

Monthly Nut: $4,300

Income Requirement: $200,000

Description: The Opdahl Residence, 1957 by Edward A. Killingsworth, FAIA. With the use of two 18 ft. tall redwood walls at the setback lines on both sides of the property, Killingsworth skillfully created an oasis of privacy for the glass walled structure, reflecting pond & peaceful gardens within. Considered by the architect to be his most important work, the house stands as a prototype for building with limited space, & as one of the purest, most sophisticated examples of mid-century modern architecture. As the SoCal chapter of AIA noted in it's [SIC] honor award, 'there is poetry in it's [SIC] restrained vocabulary of material and form-a precise artistry'. Winner of eight prestigious architectural awards & featured in countless publications, the Opdahl house gave Killingsworth international acclaim. Once thought to be lost to neglect, a meticulous restoration by the current owner has brought the house back to it's [SIC] original glory. The property is now recognized as an historic landmark by the City of Long Beach.

Ugh, yet another seller getting high on his own pompous bullshit. This dude and his realtor are obviously quite impressed with their inclusion in Dwell, that hipster bible of aspirational pretentiousness.

When I saw this listing, I immediately thought of Unhappy Hipster

It's a blog that takes those famously dour Dwell photos and adds amusing captions. An example:

"The black hole had sucked everything out of the playroom. Save his sister or the coloring books? He made a split-second decision."

I'm a big fan of modern design, but the trust fund snobs in that magazine take it to a whole 'nother level. Sometimes the total commitment to uber-minimalism can be overwhelming, leaving you with these cold, bland, mono-hued drabscapes.

And this house is no different.

This place just feels so precious, so sterile. Every piece of furniture looks uncomfortable and terminally fragile -- almost like props. I half expect Chris Farley to barge in and crush every table and chair in the joint.

Whatever the opposite of "that lived-in feel" is, this is it.

I mean, these photos are just begging for the Unhappy Hipsters treatment. Here's my take:

"After waiting four weeks for his Air Jordan Sky Highs to arrive from Thailand, Toby was thrilled to debut them at Glenda's loft party. But despite subtle attempts to get people to notice his shoes, like pointing to Glenda's concrete floors and asking various guests if they supposed the finish qualified as 'honed,' nobody at the party acknowledged Toby's rare kicks. Would he ever recover from this slight, he wondered."

It's worth noting that Toby here paid $730,000 in January 2003. The listing description mentioned this property is a result of "a meticulous restoration by the current owner." Considering this place was, according to the realtor, "Once thought to be lost to neglect," I'm willing to bet he dropped at least $150,000 into restoration. Minimum.

Presumably to offset the steep commissions, he is asking $799,000. Even factoring in seven years of payments, the significant restoration efforts will virtually guarantee a massive loss.

I appreciate his pricing optimism, but things don't look good. There's just too much competition in this price range. I imagine someone, somewhere in the world would be impressed by an utterly useless "decorative pond," but in this bang-for-your-buck buyer's market will they be willing to pay a significant premium?

Seriously, does anybody but this owner give a farting fuck about the honor award from the SoCal chapter of the AIA?

Plus, half the appeal of this property is the decoration and rare furniture -- and the listing makes it clear none of it is included in the asking price (neither is the washer and dryer -- how generous! $800,000 and I gotta go out and buy new appliances?!)

So, remove the magazine-worthy staging and you're left with a small two-bedroom one-bath that needs tens of thousands of dollars in furnishings, artwork, and appliances asking (an ominous) $666 per square foot.

For that kind of money, I'd be more interesting in saving a boatload of cash and buying a larger, cozier place like this.

I suppose it doesn't have the architectural pedigree or "poetry in its restrained vocabulary of material," but in this post-bubble world, I can't imagine buyers really give a steaming crap.

I guess the seller, who is actually a DJ and co-creator of one of my favorite jazz bands, is hoping there are plenty of other overpaid DJs or trust fund babies or well-heeled mid-century design nerds out there with an equally lacking concept of value or money or investment strategy. But I have to imagine in this environment most buyers are looking for deals, not overwrought monuments to cheap credit and money-to-burn bubble exuberance like this.

Frankly, this place is so unique he might pull it off. He'll probably have to start playing Quinceaneras in El Dorado Park to survive the financial loss on his foolish malinvestment, but still.

Naples Nutter

The dearth of Long Beach inventory has made it really difficult to find properties worth featuring, but then I saw this outrageously overpriced pile of shit and just had to put it on the blog.

WISHING PRICE: $499,000
ADDRESS: 6150 East BAY SHORE Walk #10, 90803
BEDS: 1
BATHS: 1
SQ. FT.: 815
$/SQ. FT.: $612
YEAR BUILT: 1965
COMMUNITY: Belmont Shore/Park/Naples/Marina Pacific/Bay Harbor
MLS#: S640717
ON REDFIN: 15 days

HOA: $298

DOWN PAYMENT: $99,800

INCOME REQUIREMENT: $114,000/year

MONTHLY NUT: $2,800
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful sought after Alamitos Bay Shore Condo in the exclusive community of Bay Shore Yacht Club. This Bay front condominium features 1 master suite with upgraded kitchen and bath. Only 15 units in this secured building. Underground parking with storage unit. Elevator to the 3rd floor. Laundry facility onsite. Can watch the Naples Boat parade right from your Bay view balcony and front room. Low association. Rarely on the market. .. .so get you offers in fast!

$499,000 for an 815 square foot apartment.

$499,000 for an 815 square foot apartment with one bedroom.

$499,000 for an 815 square foot apartment with one bedroom in a 45-year-old building.

$499,000 for an 815 square foot apartment with one bedroom in a 45-year-old building with community laundry.

$499,000 for an 815 square foot apartment with one bedroom in a 45-year-old building with community laundry, sporting kitchen counters and cabinets like these:

Good lord.

I mean, the fact that he shelled out for a fancy stainless steel oven and microwave but left everything else hideously intact (what, ran out of money for the matching fridge?) -- and then with a straight face claims this is an "upgraded" kitchen -- tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this seller's mental state.

And great news: those horrendous kitchen cabinets are continued in the bathroom!

Absolutely revolting. Shower doors and a curtain. I've never seen that. And I can't recall ever seeing such half-assed "upgrading." Embarrassing.

Again, I remind you, this asshole is asking HALF-A-MILLION DOLLARS.

That asking price would require the potential homeowner, at the very minimum, to make $114,000 per year to reasonably afford this place. You really think a single person or retiree sitting on that kind of loot would seriously consider putting it into this festering wound on the anus of the MLS?

This pricing makes absolutely no sense. The most expensive nearby one-bedroom to sell during the last six months was for $290,000. Given, it wasn't right on the water or in this stellar location, but that's not the point. Do these mongoloids truly believe their shit box is really worth another $209,000 because it's in this particular building?

I guess the question's in the answer, isn't it?

The only comp I could find for the building was a smaller unit with a similarly nauseating kitchen and bathroom that sold last summer summer for a measly $327,000.

Anyone think after viewing the interior photos of this lumpy, low-end yawn box that it deserves a $182,000 premium over that comp?

Really?!

His proximity to the water is clouding his judgment. The fact is, no matter where this building is located this is an 815 square foot apartment with one bedroom in a 45-year-old building with community laundry, sporting kitchen counters and cabinets like these:

It's worth noting that this place was purchased for $385,000 in 2005. Given that the vast, overwhelming majority of Long Beach properties are selling for 2003 prices or lower, this asking price makes even less sense. Their little-r realtor is clearly doing nothing to encourage a realistic asking price, so here we have yet another delusional Long Beach seller clogging up the MLS and wasting everyone's time. If he, for whatever reason, had to lower the price to a level that would actually garner a sale, he'd be lopping off, at a minimum, $150,000 just to get the bidding started.

What do you think, given what you know about this seller thus far, the odds are of that happening?

And the fact that the market-clearing price for such and undesirable property (in a highly desirable, yet lightly traveled by buyers, area) is in reality so much lower than the current asking price highlights the worst part of this whole situation: Because he waited too long to put it on the market, he now has zero room to negotiate. He painted himself into a pricing corner.

And now, unless he wants to write a check to the bank at closing, his only choices are leaving it on the market hoping for a miracle, or tucking his tail between his legs, taking it off the MLS and gritting his teeth every time he makes his roughly $2,200 payment for the next 25 years -- knowing full well that he could rent the very same place for considerably less.

So given those crappy options, why sell in the first place? I'm sure some of you noticed that a 5-year Adjustable Rate Mortgage would have reset and recast earlier this year, making the ability to keep up with that hefty payment considerably more difficult. Coincidence?

Nah, couldn't be.

Inventory Update

That's down 3% just between September and October! Wow.

And the result?

A greed-driven divergence between List vs. Sold price per square foot.

That's what happens when all but the dumbest, most delusional sellers take their ball and go home and wait for the market to "return to normal." Current sellers know there's no quality inventory out there and it makes them cocky and emboldened.

As we enter the winter months we'll see if that approach pays off.

Spanish Why

6915 SEASIDE Walk, Long Beach, CA 90803
Wishing Price: $3,300,000
Beds: 4
Baths: 2.5
Sq. Ft.: 3,498
$/Sq. Ft.: $943
Lot Size: 2,394 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 2002
Community: Belmont Shore/Park/Naples/Marina Pacific/Bay Harbor
MLS#: P715930
On Redfin: 294 days
Down Payment: $660,000
Income Requirement: $754,000
Monthly Nut: $18,000
Description: Private Spectacular Location, Oceanfront, on the Sand with Awesome Panoramic Views of Catalina Island, Port of Long Beach, Seal Beach, Alamitos Bay and Naples Island. This gorgeous tri-level Mediterranean (2002 new construction) Peninsula home provides effortless waterfront living and entertaining. Dramatic sweeping spiral staircase leads you from the first to the second and third levels wrapping the circular turret. This open and airy floor plan has high ceilings, gorgeous architectural details including barrel ceilings and beautiful arches. Gourmet kitchen with granite counters, Bosch dishwasher, custom cabinetry, over-sized center island, Master Bath has a Hydro-System Whirlpool (78 x 44 x 21, 105 gal) bath. This incredible property must be seen to be appreciated custom paint, hardwood and travertine flooring, custom draperies, lighting and architectural details with absolutely incredible custom-design ceramic tile, large private patio over looks the Pacific Ocean.

I'll never understand sellers like this.

You've been collecting dust on the MLS for a few months shy of a year, yet your listing price has only come down $195,000, or 5.5 percent.

Five point five!

What the fuck are you waiting for, these appliances to come back into style?

Need I remind you that you're asking THREE POINT THREE MILLION DOLLARS?

There's simply no excuse for those old-ass appliances. I realize this place was built in 2002, but I'm reasonably sure stainless steel was popular even back then.

And even if it wasn't, you're asking THREE POINT THREE MILLION DOLLARS!

High-end buyers looking to drop that much loot expect Viking appliances at a minimum.

If the rest of the details and materials were as impressive as your staircase...

...you might be onto something.

But instead we get Mehhh-morial Day:




My dude, you need to get in the game.

By now it's exceedingly obvious that buyers aren't willing to shell out $18,000 in monthly outlays (yes, you read that correctly) for your idea of an "incredible property."

Plus, your Spanish theme is alright, but I think it looks cheesy and inconsistent with a high-end house (and wholly inconsistent with the modern exterior design).



For $943 per square foot(!), buyers are looking for The Four Seasons, not the The #4 at SuperMex.

Furthermore, you purchased in 2001 for a million clams...even after construction costs (which couldn't have been that much -- it's not like you splurged anywhere) you should still have a lot of equity and a nice, comfortable cushion.

Yet here you are, watching your property rot before your very eyes. And your obstinance is even more confounding when you consider the insane number of days you've been begging on the market, news of housing prices not only not recovering but in fact entering a double-dip, and reports of massive government layoffs (what were once thought to be "stable" jobs that home sellers could count on).

I just can't figure out why you're so reluctant to accept reality, lower the price, and get it sold.

Oh:

"Seller/Owner/Principal Real Estate Licensed"

Say no more.

Well, one last thing: Can I just congratulate you in advance on your second year on the market?

Dwelling on the Past: UPDATE

Officially a short sale. Shocker.

But you have to congratulate this delusional twit on riding the Extend-and-Pretend Express for an astounding 228 days. Any bets for the date of the Notice of Default?

And in those 228 days his realtor hasn't even bothered to fix the typos...rats from a sinking ship.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


5576 East VESUVIAN Walk, Long Beach, CA 90803
Asking Price: $799,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 1.25
Sq. Ft.: 1,200
$/Sq. Ft.: $666
Lot Size: 2,400 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1957
MLS#: P719642
On Redfin: 53 days
Down Payment: $160,000
Monthly Nut: $4,300
Income Requirement: $200,000
Description: The Opdahl Residence, 1957 by Edward A. Killingsworth, FAIA. With the use of two 18 ft. tall redwood walls at the setback lines on both sides of the property, Killingsworth skillfully created an oasis of privacy for the glass walled structure, reflecting pond & peaceful gardens within. Considered by the architect to be his most important work, the house stands as a prototype for building with limited space, & as one of the purest, most sophisticated examples of mid-century modern architecture. As the SoCal chapter of AIA noted in it's [SIC] honor award, 'there is poetry in it's [SIC] restrained vocabulary of material and form-a precise artistry'. Winner of eight prestigious architectural awards & featured in countless publications, the Opdahl house gave Killingsworth international acclaim. Once thought to be lost to neglect, a meticulous restoration by the current owner has brought the house back to it's [SIC] original glory. The property is now recognized as an historic landmark by the City of Long Beach.

Ugh, yet another seller getting high on his own pompous bullshit. This dude and his realtor are obviously quite impressed with their inclusion in Dwell, that hipster bible of aspirational pretentiousness.

When I saw this listing, I immediately thought of Unhappy Hipster

It's a blog that takes those famously dour Dwell photos and adds amusing captions. An example:

"The black hole had sucked everything out of the playroom. Save his sister or the coloring books? He made a split-second decision."

I'm a big fan of modern design, but the trust fund snobs in that magazine take it to a whole 'nother level. Sometimes the total commitment to uber-minimalism can be overwhelming, leaving you with these cold, bland, mono-hued drabscapes.

And this house is no different.

This place just feels so precious, so sterile. Every piece of furniture looks uncomfortable and terminally fragile -- almost like props. I half expect Chris Farley to barge in and crush every table and chair in the joint.



Whatever the opposite of "that lived-in feel" is, this is it.

I mean, these photos are just begging for the Unhappy Hipsters treatment. Here's my take:

"After waiting four weeks for his Air Jordan Sky Highs to arrive from Thailand, Toby was thrilled to debut them at Glenda's loft party. But despite subtle attempts to get people to notice his shoes, like pointing to Glenda's concrete floors and asking various guests if they supposed the finish qualified as 'honed,' nobody at the party acknowledged Toby's rare kicks. Would he ever recover from this slight, he wondered."

It's worth noting that Toby here paid $730,000 in January 2003. The listing description mentioned this property is a result of "a meticulous restoration by the current owner." Considering this place was, according to the realtor, "Once thought to be lost to neglect," I'm willing to bet he dropped at least $150,000 into restoration. Minimum.

Presumably to offset the steep commissions, he is asking $799,000. Even factoring in seven years of payments, the significant restoration efforts will virtually guarantee a massive loss.

I appreciate his pricing optimism, but things don't look good. There's just too much competition in this price range. I imagine someone, somewhere in the world would be impressed by an utterly useless "decorative pond," but in this bang-for-your-buck buyer's market will they be willing to pay a significant premium?

Seriously, does anybody but this owner give a farting fuck about the honor award from the SoCal chapter of the AIA?

Plus, half the appeal of this property is the decoration and rare furniture -- and the listing makes it clear none of it is included in the asking price (neither is the washer and dryer -- how generous! $800,000 and I gotta go out and buy new appliances?!)

So, remove the magazine-worthy staging and you're left with a small two-bedroom one-bath that needs tens of thousands of dollars in furnishings, artwork, and appliances asking (an ominous) $666 per square foot.

For that kind of money, I'd be more interesting in saving a boatload of cash and buying a larger, cozier place like this.

I suppose it doesn't have the architectural pedigree or "poetry in its restrained vocabulary of material," but in this post-bubble world, I can't imagine buyers really give a steaming crap.

I guess the seller, who is actually a DJ and co-creator of one of my favorite jazz bands, is hoping there are plenty of other overpaid DJs or trust fund babies or well-heeled mid-century design nerds out there with an equally lacking concept of value or money or investment strategy. But I have to imagine in this environment most buyers are looking for deals, not overwrought monuments to cheap credit and money-to-burn bubble exuberance like this.

Frankly, this place is so unique he might pull it off. He'll probably have to start playing Quinceaneras in El Dorado Park to survive the financial loss on his foolish malinvestment, but still.

Naples Nightmare: FINAL UPDATE

Sold on 09/09/10 - $1,200,000

To recap, after purchasing this property right after the peak of The Great Housing Bubble for $950,000, the former owner demolished the existing home and built this overwrought monstrosity with what I imagine was a hefty construction loan. Unfortunately, the minute ground was broken on this eyesore of a McCastle, the real estate market began its horrific, Great Depression-esque decline.

Stuck with an asset that was losing money before it was even completed, he spent the next eleven months sweating .50-caliber bullets, wishing that the housing market would somehow stop its rampant, freight-train powered return back to normalcy before he got his masterpiece on the market.

Wish in one hand, and crap in the other...and see which one fills up first. We all know how that worked out.

And so, in January of this year, after dicking around with extend-and-pretend short sale tactics, the bank finally foreclosed on his ass and took back the property for $1,260,000. And as is the case with quality properties in prime areas, the bank didn't take long to get it back on the market...with a wishing price of $1,325,000. There it sat for nearly seven months, until it apparently sold just a few days ago for $1,200,000 -- a mere 5% less than the bank paid.

Interestingly, $1,200,000 is HALF of what the deadbeat former owner asked when he initially tried to flip it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My Place Is Special Syndrome (MYPISS), anyone?

Anyhow, the more I look at this thing, the more I hate it. Sure, the location is great, but who wants to live in the shadows of that monolithic apartment complex? Plus, there is no yard to speak of. Which, now that I think about it, you probably wouldn't even want a yard given the innumerable peering eyes in that apartment complex (ew, renters. We all know what perverts and degenerates they are).

But I mostly hate it because of what it represents: waste, misplaced priorities, bubble excess, poor lending standards, unchecked greed, bank bailouts, moral hazard...all of it.

The good news is that the new owners can start a life there and enjoy having an, um, interesting house in a great neighborhood. And regardless of how mud-fence ugly I think this thing is, you can't deny that $354 per square in this area for brand-new construction is a smoking deal.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

215 South THE TOLEDO, 90803
Approved Short Sale Price: $1,450,000
Beds: 4
Baths: 4.25
Sq. Ft.: 3,345
$/Sq. Ft.: $433
Lot Size: 3,390 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 2008
MLS#: P616675
Down Payment: $290,000 (assuming a bank would let you get away with "only" 20%)
Income Requirement: $363,000
Monthly Nut: $8,800
On Redfin: 718 days
Description: Short sale approved at list price. Can close qickly. Brand New Custom Home. This New Home has Big Walkin Closets In every bedroom on the second floor! Downstairs bedroom and bath can also be a maids Bedroom or office. Double door Formal entryway that leads into a huge Kitchen with upgrades and a great room with its own half Bathroom. Oversized Attached Garage. Curved Stairway that Leads you to Laundry room and second floor with Master bedroom that has two walkin closets, Fireplace, Master bathroom and private balcony. Second Floor hall way leads to two more Bedrooms, each with walkin closets and private baths. Private Door leads to the third story deck that has water, electricity for all your entertainment needs. Advanced Electrical for Entertainment systems, speakers, Lighting, Vacuum System, Security, Internet, Dual Air . Plenty of Storage through-out Home. Too many upgrades to list all.

"Qickly"?

"Walkin" closets? Where they walkin' to?

And Nice (Ab)use of Title Case, Dickhead.

It's been a rough few years for this fliptard. His simple plan was to tear down the old property, build a McMansion in its place, and flip it for a sizeable profit.

Unfortunately, his timing was absolutely horrendous.

You see, he paid $950,000 in January 2007, juuuuuuust past the peak of the housing bubble. The year he spent constructing this 3,345 square foot behemoth (on a freaking 3,390 square foot lot! What?!) saw the beginnings of one of the worst economic catastrophes in world history.

As quickly as he could, and before the economy got any worse, he put it on the market. Unfortunately, 2008 was the year of the credit crisis. His initial asking price of $2,700,000 might have seemed high even during the height of the bubble, but in the context of a full-blown economic disaster 2.7 mil was laughed off dismissively by market participants. And it's been a race against the clock ever since:

Dec 03, 2009 - Price Changed $1,450,000
Nov 27, 2009 - Price Changed $1,799,000
Oct 08, 2009 - Price Changed $1,900,000
Aug 06, 2008 - Price Changed $2,199,000
Apr 09, 2008 - Price Changed $2,399,000
Jan 09, 2008 - Listed $2,700,000
Jan 02, 2007 - Sold $950,000

Considering it's a short sale at $1,450,000, I'd say the clock won.

You have to appreciate his complete ignorance to market realities during the ensuing 718 days. Specifically, the 14 months between August 2008 and October 2009 that saw no price reductions. Smart! You're really good at this!

Given that insane amount of time spent being totally uncompetitive, I have a feeling 1.9 mil was the breaking point at which a short sale could be avoided. And it's been a sad race to the bottom ever since.

Honestly, I think the approved price of $1,450,000 is about right. This is BRAND NEW construction and has never been lived in. The upgrades look great and the Naples location is fantastic (although it appears to be right next to a massive apartment complex). Plus, most people buying these properties don't really expect to have a yard anyway.

Given all of that, along with a quick glance at the listed and sold comps (typical for Naples is between $541 and $671 per square foot), $443 per square for a brand spanking new build actually seems like a good deal.

So what gives?

Who knows. Fear of further drops in the high-end? Jumbo financing snags? Pain in the ass short sale process? Fear Of Unnecessary Title Case?

Or maybe Santa brought someone escrow paperwork for Christmas and it will go pending within days.

Regardless, I can't believe the "owner" has stuck around this long to find out. After three years of carrying costs on that $950,000 purchase loan plus AT LEAST $500,000 in construction loans, I figured he would have tapped out by now and moonwalked away.

But he didn't. Because we all know debtors walking away from their obligations is "immoral."

Bottom Calling Bites Again: UPDATE

The price was "$334,000" and changed to "$324,900"

Ever since the Federal tax credit expired, I've been seeing an awful lot of $10,000 price reductions. Anyone else notice that?

P.S. This greedtard has been on the market for nine months and this is only the second price reduction. Great strategy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yet another 2008 loser. How long until 2009 losers start showing up?

5898 East NAPLES Plz #302, 90803
Asking Price: $359,000
Purchase Price: $355,000
Purchase Date: 7/2008
Beds: 1
Baths: 1
Sq. Ft.: 719
$/Sq. Ft.: $499
Year Built: 1971
MLS#: R905905
On Redfin: 110 days
HOA: $240
Income Requirement: $90,000
Down Payment: $13,000 (FHA)
Monthly Nut: $2,500 (FHA)
Description: * * * REDUCED $31,000 * * * . This great home is located in the absolutely best area of Long Beach - Naples Island. This top floor unit features a large bedroom, tons of closets, eating area, fantastic kitchen with new microwave GE Profile convection oven, Berber Carpeting throughout, new flooring in kitchen and bathroom, fresh paint, new floor molding throughout, new lighting and high-end ceiling fans (one with a heater!), new kitchen and bath fixtures, new cabinet hardware in kitchen and bathroom, upgraded window in bedroom (double paned and tinted) and new Kohler toilet. Parking is underground, secured and gated

You call a 719 square foot one-bedroom apartment a "home"? Uh, okay.

Let's get right down to it: This guy bought into all the "the bottom is in!"/"the worst is over!" horseshit from the summer of 2008 and tried his hand at homeownership.

He failed miserably (not as badly as the 2005-2008 owner who lost about $80,000 when he sold to this guy) because just 14 months later he's trying to sell it...for a loss.

He initially tried to sneak in a bit of a profit and listed for $390,000 (probably based on this neighbor's September sale for $389,000 , but for whatever reason he wasn't as lucky). In fact, he was hit in the face with the frying pan called Reality and chopped $31,000 off the price.

At the reduced price of $359,000, his best-case-scenario will be a $20,000 loss including commissions and what he likely spent on cosmetic improvements (carpet, paint, outlet covers, baseboards, bathroom/kitchen fixtures and flooring--here is the old listing for comparison).

$20,000 in a year?!

But I thought Naples is Different(tm)?

However, given the 14 months of mortgage payments, a sale at this price will mitigate that somewhat.

But that's assuming he finds a buyer at this price. It's worth noting here that he's been stuck at $359,000 for two months now with no interest whatsoever. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Although I think he has an outside shot at getting the current ask (Naples is a little different), another price reduction, given the time on the market, is inevitable. Which in turn spells disaster for his dreams of walking away relatively scot-free.

All evidence suggests he purchased this as an investment property and quickly discovered a "good investment" shouldn't bleed cash every month. Factoring in the tax advantages, he would have to charge $2,000 in rent just to break even on his mortgage!

Looking at nearby rents, he didn't come anywhere close to that and got absolutely pummeled by the monthly shortfalls. I guess he learned the hard way that Naples, although as prime as the number 101, ain't New York's Upper East Side when it comes to rents.

Hence, why he's jumping ship after such a short time.

Dude, what were you thinking buying this place? Did you even consult Craigslist for rental rates? If you had, you would have seen that two-bedrooms in Naples and Belmont Shore are well under $2,000 a month.

Plus, did you even consider who this apartment is for prior to buying? It's perfect for a retiree or a student, but neither of those groups can afford this place. And an individual (or couple, assuming they have no sense of personal space) pulling down the required $90,000 (and that's with a generous 4x gross income calculation) wouldn't be caught dead in this tiny (albeit tidy) place for $2,000 a month. Your pool of renters is quite narrow.

Instead of believing the perpetual bottom callers of CAR/NAR and CNBC, you should have been reading this blog. We could have saved you a lot of dough and heartache.

I have a feeling we're going to see a lot more of these failed "investments" in the near future as wannabe real estate moguls realize they're not alone. The sheer number of people clamoring for rental properties virtually guarantees further rent deflation due to overwhelming competition.

He's smart for trying to get out now instead of suffering through years of monthly bloodletting, but unless there is a miraculous Spring Bounce this guy could be in deep caca.

Dwelling on the Past

5576 East VESUVIAN Walk, Long Beach, CA 90803
Asking Price: $799,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 1.25
Sq. Ft.: 1,200
$/Sq. Ft.: $666
Lot Size: 2,400 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1957
MLS#: P719642
On Redfin: 53 days
Down Payment: $160,000
Monthly Nut: $4,300
Income Requirement: $200,000
Description: The Opdahl Residence, 1957 by Edward A. Killingsworth, FAIA. With the use of two 18 ft. tall redwood walls at the setback lines on both sides of the property, Killingsworth skillfully created an oasis of privacy for the glass walled structure, reflecting pond & peaceful gardens within. Considered by the architect to be his most important work, the house stands as a prototype for building with limited space, & as one of the purest, most sophisticated examples of mid-century modern architecture. As the SoCal chapter of AIA noted in it's [SIC] honor award, 'there is poetry in it's [SIC] restrained vocabulary of material and form-a precise artistry'. Winner of eight prestigious architectural awards & featured in countless publications, the Opdahl house gave Killingsworth international acclaim. Once thought to be lost to neglect, a meticulous restoration by the current owner has brought the house back to it's [SIC] original glory. The property is now recognized as an historic landmark by the City of Long Beach.

Ugh, yet another seller getting high on his own pompous bullshit. This dude and his realtor are obviously quite impressed with their inclusion in Dwell, that hipster bible of aspirational pretentiousness.

When I saw this listing, I immediately thought of Unhappy Hipster

It's a blog that takes those famously dour Dwell photos and adds amusing captions. An example:

"The black hole had sucked everything out of the playroom. Save his sister or the coloring books? He made a split-second decision."

I'm a big fan of modern design, but the trust fund snobs in that magazine take it to a whole 'nother level. Sometimes the total commitment to uber-minimalism can be overwhelming, leaving you with these cold, bland, mono-hued drabscapes.

And this house is no different.

This place just feels so precious, so sterile. Every piece of furniture looks uncomfortable and terminally fragile -- almost like props. I half expect Chris Farley to barge in and crush every table and chair in the joint.



Whatever the opposite of "that lived-in feel" is, this is it.

I mean, these photos are just begging for the Unhappy Hipsters treatment. Here's my take:

"After waiting four weeks for his Air Jordan Sky Highs to arrive from Thailand, Toby was thrilled to debut them at Glenda's loft party. But despite subtle attempts to get people to notice his shoes, like pointing to Glenda's concrete floors and asking various guests if they supposed the finish qualified as 'honed,' nobody at the party acknowledged Toby's rare kicks. Would he ever recover from this slight, he wondered."

It's worth noting that Toby here paid $730,000 in January 2003. The listing description mentioned this property is a result of "a meticulous restoration by the current owner." Considering this place was, according to the realtor, "Once thought to be lost to neglect," I'm willing to bet he dropped at least $150,000 into restoration. Minimum.

Presumably to offset the steep commissions, he is asking $799,000. Even factoring in seven years of payments, the significant restoration efforts will virtually guarantee a massive loss.

I appreciate his pricing optimism, but things don't look good. There's just too much competition in this price range. I imagine someone, somewhere in the world would be impressed by an utterly useless "decorative pond," but in this bang-for-your-buck buyer's market will they be willing to pay a significant premium?

Seriously, does anybody but this owner give a farting fuck about the honor award from the SoCal chapter of the AIA?

Plus, half the appeal of this property is the decoration and rare furniture -- and the listing makes it clear none of it is included in the asking price (neither is the washer and dryer -- how generous! $800,000 and I gotta go out and buy new appliances?!)

So, remove the magazine-worthy staging and you're left with a small two-bedroom one-bath that needs tens of thousands of dollars in furnishings, artwork, and appliances asking (an ominous) $666 per square foot.

For that kind of money, I'd be more interesting in saving a boatload of cash and buying a larger, cozier place like this.

I suppose it doesn't have the architectural pedigree or "poetry in its restrained vocabulary of material," but in this post-bubble world, I can't imagine buyers really give a steaming crap.

I guess the seller, who is actually a DJ and co-creator of one of my favorite jazz bands, is hoping there are plenty of other overpaid DJs or trust fund babies or well-heeled mid-century design nerds out there with an equally lacking concept of value or money or investment strategy. But I have to imagine in this environment most buyers are looking for deals, not overwrought monuments to cheap credit and money-to-burn bubble exuberance like this.

Frankly, this place is so unique he might pull it off. He'll probably have to start playing Quinceaneras in El Dorado Park to survive the financial loss on his foolish malinvestment, but still.