Made in the Shade

16 12Th Pl, 90802
Price: $995,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 3
Sq. Ft.: 2,056
$/Sq. Ft.: $484
Lot Size: 2,915 Sq. Ft. (yikes!)
Year Built: 1904
MLS#: P666834
On Redfin: 254 days
Down Payment: $200,000
Monthly Payment: $6,100 (@ 6.5% jumbo)
Income Requirement: $285,000
Description: $200,000. PRICE ADJUSTMENT!!! This one of a kind Alamitos Beach Bluff home has the location and views you've been wanting! It has an updated kitchen and breakfast bar with top-o-line Starmark European maple cabinets,bamboo flooring,recessed lites and S/S appliances.The large formal dining room and open living room lead to the patio overlooking the beach for your morning coffee or brunch. The large family room with recessed lites and crown moulding leads to your own private rear yard with new hardscape and landscape.The inside laundry room with premium washer, dryer and sink off the kitchen also has a upgraded 1/2 bath. The upper level off the foyer has two large master suites with walk in closets,berber carpet, ocean views, top-o-line Hans Grohe fixtures in the upgraded baths and a sun porch. This home has too many upgrades to mention.... a must see for your fussy clients! CLICK ON MEDIA 21 OR MAIN PICTURE TO ACCESS VIRTUAL TOUR AND PICS.

Boy, for a house "at the water's edge," you would think the realtor would be smart enough to include shots of that glorious ocean view.

Wanna know why she didn't? Because there isn't one.

Weren't you beginning to wonder why the exterior shots looked a bit, um, shady?

Well, it's because this house, with only two bedrooms on a cramped lot, is completely surrounded by enormous apartment buildings and a parking structure. Engulfed might be a better word to describe how deep in the shadows this house is.

Do yourself a favor and click on the Redfin listing and check out the Aerial View. DOH!

And is it just me, or does it seem like every "Cape Cod" homeowner has a graduate degree in Application of Clutter as Home Decoration?

To give you an idea of just how greedy and delusional this seller is, the original listing price in December 2008 was a laughable $1,400,000. After four months with no interest, they relisted in April 2009 (presumably with a different realtor who promised vastly more bubble profits) with an unbelievable $1,700,000 price tag.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Idiot.

They are obviously convinced the proximity to the water is worth big bucks. But I have news for them: With no actual view of the ocean, that's like Rachel Bilson being your online girlfriend.

Or living near the most scenic point of the Grand Canyon--in a windowless mansion.

Great in theory, but about as useless as braille on a Harley Davidson owner's manual.

So, the current asking price of $995,000 represents a $705,000 fall from grace--ERRR, wake up call--ERRR, reality check--ERRR, discount from the highest asking price.

Jul 17, 2009 - Price Changed $995,000
Apr 07, 2009 - Price Changed $1,200,000
Apr 07, 2009 - Relisted ($1,700,000)
Dec 18, 2008 - Delisted
Dec 02, 2008 - Listed $1,400,000
Sep 06, 2002 - Sold $459,000
Oct 20, 1998 - Sold $300,000
Nov 22, 1996 - Sold $255,000

Dang, can you believe this place sold for $255,000 during the last housing downturn? Sheesh.

The crazy thing is, the 2002 purchase price of $459,000 means if this seller just priced realistically, he would walk away with a pallet full of cold, hard cash. Assuming he didn't HELOC himself into the stratosphere, that is.

But given the costs associated with "too many upgrades to mention," all bets are off.