Greek Pillars = "Amazing Architectural Detail"

25 15th Pl #804, 90802
Price: $579,995
Beds: 3
Baths: 2
Sq. Ft.: 1,310
$/Sq. Ft.: $443
HOA: $407.40
Year Built: 1989
MLS#: P697199
On Redfin: 8 days
Down Payment: $116,000
Monthly Payment: $3,500
Income Requirement: $166,000
Description: The pride of Long Beach! Featuring astounding beach and ocean views, a gorgeous interior, and an impeccable presentation, this is a paradise for anyone that has ever dreamed of a peaceful and wonderful getaway for their home. It is impossible to not fall in love with this gem of a property! This 3-bed, 2-bath penthouse condo is located in a very secure, ocean-front building with direct beach access. You will enjoy breathtaking beach/ocean views from the enormous patio. Inside, amazing architectural details such as crown molding, indirect lighting, vaulted ceilings, gorgeous hardwood floors, pillars, stainless steel appliances, & a fully renovated kitchen will astound you. You'll never know how you lived before without a fireplace, walk-in closet, wet-bar, and even a wine fridge. Don't forget access to the nearby pool, jacuzzi, business center, and gym amenities, and a location moments from Long Beach's best spots (2nd street, Pine Ave, Downtown, and more). Welcome to your dream home!

What an enthusiastic listing description! Superfantasticdonchaknow!

I hate to break it to you, but anyone making the required $166,000 per year is probably familiar with fireplaces, closets, and mini wine fridges. Just a guess. I mean, is a rickity wet-bar the new tennis court?

This spacious apartment, in a killer beachfront location, is loaded to the gills with goodies (although some are of questionable taste). Someone obviously put a lot of dough into sprucing up this penthouse.

You can't really get a handle on the size of that balcony, but it looks pretty damn big. All the better to enjoy those ocean views.

You want to see something weird (yet kind of awesome)? I started writing this entry a few days ago, and since then the realtor took some new, better photos--including this one of the balcony on a sunny day:

Hey man, I give credit where credit is due--that was a smart move.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of useless photos as well:



Sadly, no amount of photography do-overs can fix that monstrosity of a kitchen. Yuck.

Dude, Smurfette's gonna be pissed you bit her style.

Here's how I imagine the cabinet selection process went:

"So, Mrs. Gerard, what kind of cabinets are you looking for exactly?"

"Show me the most hideous fucking things you've got."

"Uh, well, Snap-On just started producing cabinets that resemble toolboxes..."

"You had me at hello."

Anyhow, if you're cool with the decor, this classy joint can all be yours for a 2003 price of $579,995. Oddly, despite the fact that this seller paid $770,000(!) at the peak in 2006, this is not (yet) a short sale.

That means the seller put down at least $225,000. Because that is the amount it will take to cover the mortgage and selling costs and walk away clean without credit score anihilation. Considering the '06 purchase date, it's not hard to imagine bubble profits from another property sale serving as a large DP, explaining the equity sale status.

Keep in mind, that massive -$225,000 loss is predicated upon actually selling at this price. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But even if it does, for the seller that must be a tough pillar to swallow.