There is No Quit on Mariquita!

Address: 2740 E Mariquita St, 90803
Asking Price: $519,999
Year Built: 1918
Size: 2 beds, 2 baths, 1,508 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $345
Purchase price: N/A
Purchase date: N/A
MLS#: P624097
On Redfin: 466 days
Down Payment: $104,000
Monthly Payment: $2,900
Income Requirement: $150,000
Description: Check out the new low price on this once in a lifetime opportunity waiting for you. A craftsman style house sitting on a bigger than average sized lot(was originally two lots) on a cul-de-sac, zoned as an R2A, accesible from 3 sides (front, side and rear). The house is a very spacious 2 bedroom home with a large living and large family room with firepalce. It is in a prime location, walking distance to the ocean, schools and shopping. Needs work but with some love and care this house could be a dream come true. Must see to appreciate.

Good God, this place is depressing. It just screams probate sale.

The good news is the listing agent wrote one of the most unintentionally funny listings ever. Aside from failing to correct "accesible" and "firepalce" despite 466 days on the market, here are some other things I found amusing:

"Check out the new low price..."

Today is June 5, 2009. The listing price was last changed 47 days ago. Even on Planet Realtron, that's considered "new"?

"...on this once in a lifetime opportunity..."

When you say lifetime, are you referring to the amount of time this property has spent on the MLS?

"...waiting for you."

...in the shadows, with its grey, hollow eyes glinting in the candlelight as death's hand curls its cold, bloodless fingers around your throat...

"A craftsman style house sitting on a bigger than average sized lot..."

Come on. Everybody says theirs is bigger than average.

"...accesible from 3 sides."

Something I look for in a girlfriend.

"Needs some work."

Yeah, you can say that again. Holy Antiques Roadshow, Batman, get a load of those ovens!

"...with some love and care this house could be a dream come true"

With some love and a demolition permit maybe.

"Must see to appreciate."

Yikes, three pictures and I've already seen enough.

Here's my favorite part of the listing:

"Listing Price Excludes: Oil rights and chandeliers"

Are you sure they're excluded? Because your insane asking price sure seems to indicate access to the oil under that thar soil.

And those chandeliers...

...yeah, I can see why you'd want to hang on to those precious heirlooms.

Who the hell would want those nasty things anyway? Hell, I'll pay you to take them!

In fact, I'll throw in another couple grand if you promise to take the carpets, wood paneling (yes, the exterior too), blinds, ceiling tiles, kitchen cabinets, vinyl floors, feral dust bunnies, every single appliance, overwhelming sense of dread, and however many animal carcasses are left in the attic.

This place needs way too much work. It should really be listed as a Fixer-Upper because I can't imagine anyone would consider this "turn-key." There is a conspicuous lack of improvements/upgrades in the description, which leads me to believe there is substantial deferred maintenance. And on these 90+ year-old LB homes, that translates to major moolah in roofing, plumbing, insulation, and heating.

I'll never understand people like this. Never.

This place was purchased ages ago (the 2008 property taxes were $786, if that tells you anything) and has a metric ton of equity in it (and obviously no HELOCs were taken out for upgrades). Yet in the fall of 2008, just after the start of one of the worst financial crises ever witnessed in the history of the planet, this house goes on the market asking an astoundingly greedtarded (even for Long Beach sellers) $625,000.

WTF?

After a few meaningless price reductions, it sat there at $575,000 for a solid SEVEN MONTHS before the next price cut. And after the seller resumed their half-hearted attempt to chase the market down, here we are today still asking way too much for a house in this dilapidated condition.

It's all gravy at this point, so why not just price it competitively and take whatever the market gives you?

The answer, as always, starts with a G, ends with a D and isn't gerrymandered.

Say it with me kids:

G
R
E
E
D

As bogus talk of economic recovery reaches a fever pitch this summer, I wouldn't be surprised to see a $20,000 price increase.