Dawson's Crock

Address: 531 Dawson Ave, 90814
Asking Price: $349,900
Year Built: 1923
Size: 2 beds, 1 baths, 764 sq. ft.
$/Sq. ft.: $458
Purchase price: $424,658
Purchase date: 7/2008
MLS#: P686838
On Redfin: 34 days
Down Payment: $119,000
Monthly Payment: $3,600
Income Requirement: $170,000
Description: What a gorgeous Craftsman! This property still features the built in cabinetry in the living area! Do not miss out on this opportunity to own a piece of history at an affordable price. This property features and updated bath with tile everywhere, wood flooring, baseboarding, an updated kitchen with what appears to be granite counters, small loft area, laundry hookups and a covered rear porch can be used as a carport. Priced to sell!

I don't know about owning "a piece of history," but this is definitely a piece of something...

From what I've been able to gather, the bank took back this little buddy last July and has been sitting on it ever since. I guess the lender was waiting for the market to "return to normal." Unfortunately, the misguided wager that bubble pricing would return post haste cost them dearly. By the time they got this green machine back on the MLS last month, the economy had already shed millions of jobs and real estate had been pummeled beyond recognition.

In a normal world, the decision-maker who played tricks to put off the day of reckoning would be cashing unemployment checks. In this world, homeboy probably got a promotion.

Anyhow, would you like to see the anatomy of a Bubble?

Dec 27, 1999 - Sold $83,000
Mar 14, 2001 - Sold $159,500 (71.4% appreciation/yr)
Jul 02, 2001 - Sold $171,000 (26.0% appreciation/yr)
Apr 01, 2004 - Sold $356,000 (30.6% appreciation/yr)

Yes, totally normal appreciation based on solid economic fundamentals, uh-huh, yep, nothing to see here, folks!

It looks like the 2004 owner tried to sell in June 2007, but ended up languishing on the market for a year until the bank finally took it back at auction. The weird part is, El Banco Estupido bought it back for $68,658 more than what the '04 owner paid. In 2008!

Que la chinga?

I have a sneaking suspicion the 2004 owner racked up a bunch of cash-out refi and/or HELOC debt (and the bank, believing that "real estate never goes down," gladly lent it to him) to pay for "what appears to be granite counters."

By the way, "what appears to be" should never appear in the description for something costing $350,000. FUCKING FIND OUT, DUMMY!

And speaking of questionable upgrades, this picture really says it all:

Dude, nice two-inch spaces between tiles. Imagine the buckets o' grout needed to fill in those cavernous gaps!

Man, when the agent says, "with tile everywhere," he really means WITH TILE EVERYWHERE.

This place is a wonderland of confusion. For example, are the bedrooms connected?

And why would the agent include a picture of the laundry hookups? Dude, I'll take your word for it. Does this photo really add anything to this listing? Hell, I can't even tell if the hookups are inside our outside.

Or how about this photo highlighting that the property has been tagged by gang-related graffiti:

WTF?

Speaking of indifferent laziness and retarded sales technique, someone please explain the marketing benefit of these shots:


That third one is especially egregious. Really, dude? You couldn't take .3 seconds to move the mop out of the frame?

I'll never understand realtors. You are salespeople aren't you?

Could you imagine if an Audi dealership ran ads on their website featuring photos of $65,000 cars with fast food wrappers littered in the foot wells, oil rags plopped on the dashboards and empty Pepsi cans in the cup holders? How long do you think those lazy shits would stay in business?