The Bell Tolls in Bixby Knolls

1024 E Freeland St, 90807
Price: $550,000
Beds: 3
Baths: 4
Sq. Ft.: 3,169
$/Sq. Ft.: $174
Lot Size: 8,250 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1955
Community: Bixby, Bixby Knolls, Los Cerritos, California Heights, Memorial Heights (Wow. That's a lot of communities!)
MLS#: R805792
On Redfin: 455 days
Down Payment: $110,000
Income Requirement: $157,000
Monthly Nut: $3,000
Description: PROPERTY IS IN A HIGH-END LOCATION OF LONG BEACH. VERY CLEAN AND QUITE NEIGHBORHOOD. MASTER BEDROOM HAS A WALK-IN CLOSET WITH A JACUZZI TUB. A MUST SEE TO APPRECIATE. 24 HOUR NOTICE TO SHOW PROPERTY IS REQUIRED. PLEASE RING DOORBELL BEFORE ENTERING.

"QUITE" neighborhood?

"MUST SEE TO APPRECIATE." Translation: It's a real shit hole.

And with a conspicuous lack of interior photos and no upgrades mentioned in that impressive listing description, it's a sure bet that it's pretty awful in there.

In March 1996 (the most recent housing bottom), our featured seller purchased this house for $160,000. Somehow, someway, 13 years later, the $550,000 asking price will result in a short sale.

Um. Congratulations?

To no surprise, anyone dumb fucking stupid enough to rack up that much cash-out refi and HELOC debt against a house that should be half paid-off by now is also greedy enough to start with a patently absurd asking price of $699,900.

For this thing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mind you, that ridiculous asking price was originally posted 455 days ago.

455 DAYS!

Just look at that photo and ask yourself: Even assuming it was decent inside, if you and your family pulled in the $157,000 household income required to realistically afford this house, is this the place you imagined buying?

And if you were misguided enough to believe $550k was a good deal (you'd be the only one, given the year and change with no sale), just what would you get for that princely sum?

Well, um, the realtard didn't give us much to work with.

But judging by the one solitary photo, you'd get a clean, albeit wholly original, cottage-style house in North Long Beach.

And, because it's in North Long Beach...

"Security Description: Window Bars"

For half-a-million plus? Yikes.

Anybody wondering what you don't get for $550,000?

"Listing Price Excludes: MICROWAVE AND REFRIGERATOR"

Unbelievable.

Oddly, from a price per square foot standpoint ($174 per) this seems like a decent deal. By comparison, most houses selling nearby are going for around $218. So why no sale? Other than the asking price, I can only guess it's because the interior is much worse than I'm imagining.

But man, if you thought this guy was in deep shit, you ain't seen nothin' yet.


1012 E Marcellus St, 90807
Price: $460,000
Beds: 5
Baths: 2.75
Sq. Ft.: 2,554
$/Sq. Ft.: $180
Lot Size: 9,010 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1953
MLS#: N08043065
Status: Backup Offer
On Redfin: 533 days
Down Payment: $92,000
Income Requirement: $131,000
Monthly Nut: $2,400
Description: This large 5 bedroom pool home is situated in the prestigious Bixby Knolls area of Long Beach. It features hardwood floors, a large pool, and terrific floor plan for entertaining or large families. The home is built in such a way as it wraps around the spacious patio and pool, and opens up to the pool area from three different sides, including from the kitchen which allows for superior entertaining possibilities. The home is ready for your personal touches to make it truly yours. This home previously sold in 2007 for one million dollars, so take advantage now and save money on this large home in this great neighborhood while the opportunity still exists-- you'll be happy you did!

Wow, the realtor is just rubbing the short seller's nose in it: "This home previously sold in 2007 for one million dollars." Take it easy, buddy. No need to advertise to the world what an unbridled idiot the soon-to-be former owner is--he's been through enough.

You have to admit a 55% discount from the peak price is a pretty impressive property value meltdown.

And how does that bode for our featured short seller on Freeland? Well, this place has about 600 less square feet, but it features a pool and, well, pictures.

Wait, is this the same pool?

Yikes.

Sure, the kitchen is a disaster, but assuming the bank approved this price (it's in Backup Offers which is meaningless, I know, but bear with me), a buyer would have an extra $90,000 to build a new kitchen and add onto the house (it sits on a larger lot).

Which would you prefer?

I think Bixby Knolls might be the Long Beach neighborhood to watch. And by "watch" I mean grab a bucket of popcorn and a tasty beverage, and enjoy the equity-melting, comp-killing show.