Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Nutjob in Naples

Morekaos over on the Irvine Housing Blog Forums reminded me of this resilient (read: wholly delusional) Naples seller:

Dude, the front of this house looks like Clifford's dick.

Address: 169 Angelo Walk, 90803
Asking Price: $995,000
Year Built: 1984
Size: 3 beds, 3 baths, 2,103 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $473
Purchase price: $997,000
Purchase date: 6/2004
MLS#: P593707
On Redfin: 900 days
Down Payment: $200,000
Monthly Payment: $6,000
Income Requirement: $285,000
Description: This custom built home has it all.Great open floorplan, w/spacious gourmet kitchen w/food preparation island,surrounded by French doors opening to a secluded brick courtyard,which is centrally located for great entertaining and dining.There is casual dining off the kitchen area, Formal Living room with fireplace and custom bookshelves. Oversized Master bedroom complete with fireplace, sitting area, balcony and spacious master bath adjacent with large tub.Excellent Naples location, close to Bay!

That description, although free of spelling errors, is riddled with idiotic capitalization and horrific punctuation. You would think after 900 days (yes, you read that correctly: two-and-a-half fucking years rotting on the market) the realtor would fix that. For the record, the listing says "696 days" but it's been begging on the MLS since January 2007.

The asking price of $995,000 (which has remained unchanged since February of this year--aggressive!) represents a $2,000 discount from the 2004 purchase price. But but but, I thought Naples was immune!

Uh, buddy? I think it might take just a little bit more of a price cut to sell. That's just a hunch.

This home has done the List/Delist/Relist mambo seven times. You can just picture each relisting representing an agent losing his job for suggesting a price reduction.

And speaking of greedtarded sellers and their incompetent and/or sycophantic realtors, the price was reduced once in the entire year of 2008. ONCE! Now that's some clever salesmanship!

I have no idea what this thing initially listed for in '07, but it doesn't take a Nobel Prize-winning economist to figure out it was way too much. And after that WTF price, this attempted transaction became a painful lesson about the perils of sticking to wishing prices during a horrific housing decline.

Just think: If this genius had been realistic about what his house "deserved" to get from the outset, he could be rid of this albatross and might have even squeezed out a profit after commissions!

Instead, 2.5 years later the bullheaded seller is looking at a -$61,000 loss. And that loss is assuming a seller, after six months of zero interest at this non-starter of an asking price, suddenly parachutes in from his Lear jet and decides $995,000 is a fair price for a narrow-ass house with a big brick dick hanging off the front.

And what's up with the kitchen? Not only does it look really cramped (no overhead microwave on a million dollar house?), but check out the oven:

Looks to me like that's the same one that was installed in the early 80s. Either that or Viking just released a super high-end retro line.

What a joke.

It's worth noting that during the last six months, only three homes have sold in this neighborhood, and only one went for more than a million bucks--and it had two more bedrooms, an extra bathroom, more square footage, and was only 200 feet from the water!

Some people will never learn. They clearly are in no hurry to move, so they might as well hang on to it and ride out the housing bust. Because unless they're willing to get realistic about their price and admit that a sale will mean a massive financial loss, they're just clogging up the MLS and wasting everyone's time.


  1. If you happen to read the Grunion Gazette real estate section where this blonde bimbo peddles her Naples real estate, you'd get the impression that the Naples market is hotter than straight tapatio sauce on your tongue!! Looks like her gravy train has lost it's wheels and nightly dinners at Nico's will need to be scaled back! Oh the humanity!! Time for the smug, special snowflakes to feel the pain.

  2. I'm not sure when putting large fireplaces in the front of homes was ever in style. Maybe not enough room on the side? Or did the current owner brick over his bay windows to beat the new fireplace restrictions in Long Beach? (can't add 'em anymore so they get less smoke in Riverside)

  3. I recently found your blog. Thanks for making it.

    I thought I'd offer you the back story on the Arigato Palace on Park. I rented in the duplex next door in the mid-1990s. Our landlord was the Palace owner's grown and married daughter.

    The Palace was built by Renata and her husband. Renata was from Italy and met her husband (a US Army Colonel) during WWII. He did some sort of intelligence work. After the war, they came to Long Beach and started one of the bigger realty businesses in the Shore area. They made a lot of money, and built the palace.

    By the time we moved in next door, the husband had already passed away. Renata still had a staff of 3 full-time employees (2 maids and a gardener), and drove around in a giant older caddy. If anyone needed a cement car, it was her. She swapped paint a lot.

    She passed away a couple years ago, and her kids are trying to sell the joint for what they can get. It's an odd house on a large lot for the area. You had mentioned that "If you're planning on living in it forever, shit, build whatever the hell you want. Custom build a place too look like Winnie the Pooh's house if that's your thing."

    That's what this was. Nobody lives forever. But now you know why it is there.

  4. Hi Anonymous,

    I'm really glad you found the ol' blog. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the great info.

    The important thing for the next of kin to consider is the other half of the Winnie the Pooh comment:

    But don't hold your breath in anticipation of finding a cash-flush buyer who shares your particular love of that honey-chugging charmer willing to hand you a handsome profit for what your particular peculiarities hath wrought.

    By the way, I laughed out loud picturing this eccentric granny bombing down the narrow streets in the Shore with her land yacht, taking paint jobs and sideview mirrors with her!

    Thanks for coming by, we hope to hear more from you soon...(and pick a name so I can give you credit where credit is due)

  5. Oh heck no.

    Since when did you start giving credit where it's due El Bee?

    I'm still awaiting my badge for the "with or without bullet proof vest" line that you used.

  6. Everybody, Mike in LBC deserves full credit for using the "with or without bulletproof vest" line. We cool?

    Although--and this is the problem with giving shoutouts for very common (at least in LB) jokes and observations--FreedomCM actually used the bulletproof vest joke a while ago in the comments.

    And I made a bulletproof vest joke in July 2008 on the Wouldn't Sell if it was Free post.

    In Long Beach, jokes about bulletproof vests, graffiti, waveless beaches, no parking, and overpriced HOAs, are quite common, but I apologize if I used your line without credit.

  7. Oh damn, now I feel stupid. I thought I was the only one who used that line! haha

    Seriously tho El Bee, my mom (real estate agent) sends me links from time to time, and when it's in one of the jenky areas, the first thing out of my mouth is "does that come WITH a bullet proof vest or without".

    Anyways, you crack me up, and I'm just a fan of your humor, tryna be down.

    I love how you are so articulate and professionally oriented, but at the same time full of flavor. I look forward to reading your blogs daily now.

    But don't get a big head!!!!! ;-}

  8. MLS shows original list price was $1,495,000 (!) January 17 2007. Only one broker change since then, and current agent is male, not the blonde bimbo referred to in Anonymous's comment 7/8/09. MLS shows 898 days on the market, 701 with current agent. Current agent's had it since August 2007 and started at $1,199,000.

  9. ValleyBroker,

    Interesting. Thanks very much for the information. The carrying costs obviously aren't bothering them, so I'm having a hard time figuring out why they're selling at all. If you can't get what you think you deserve then why bother? Just live in it and enjoy living (sort of, kind of) close to the water.

    Their agent certainly isn't in any hurry to cash that commission check, either. I mean, two years on the market? Yeef.