Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Joke with No Punchline

Old ass building? Check.

Community laundry? Check.

Insta-upgrades? Check.

Ridiculous HOA considering the lack of amenities? Check.

Delusional greedtard with a What The Fuck asking price? Check!


Address: 3665 E 1st St #302, 90803
Asking Price: $499,900
Year Built: 1972
Size: 2 beds, 2 baths, 1,034 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $483
HOA Fee: $278
Purchase price: $330,000
Purchase date: 2/2004
MLS#: S569421
On Redfin: 21 days
Down Payment: $100,000
Monthly Payment: $2,800
Income Requirement: $143,000
Description: This upscale corner unit is located on a lovely tree-lined street a block-and-a-half from the beach in charming Belmont Heights. It's a short stroll to Belmont Pier, Olympic Pool, and the trendy shops of Second Street. It has large bright windows and a nice balcony for enjoying the ocean breezes. Priced to sell, with over $60,000 worth of upgrades including maple kitchen cabinets with storage pullouts, granite countertops in the kitchen and baths, a custom stainless steel backsplash in the kitchen, s/s range with convection oven and warming drawer, s/s refrigerator and s/s dishwasher and built-in microwave, custom marble shower in the master bath, plantation shutters, solid core doors, stylish ceiling fans in kitchen and master bath, porcelain-glazed tile floors in kitchen and master bath, Brazilian Cherry hardwood floors, frameless glass shower doors, new and renovated vanities, brushed nickel hardware on doors and in baths, scraped ceilings throughout, and generous closet space.

"Priced to sell?" Half a million dollars for a 1,000 square foot apartment with community laundry and one parking spot?


You're not priced to sell...you're priced to dwell (on the MLS for an eternity).

And it's a good thing it's "a short stroll" to the Olympic pool, because your nearly-$300 a month in HOA fees sure as hell doesn't pay for an association pool.

And I've got really bad news about your "$60,000 worth of upgrades."

First, you got ripped off. How do you dump 60,000 clams into a tiny apartment and not come out on the other end with some friggin' crown molding?

Second, 60k just became 20k. Sorry about that. But nobody gives a flying flamingo fart about your "Brazilian Cherry" floors or "brushed nickel hardware." And even those that do sure as hell aren't going to pay, dollar-for-dollar, what you did for all that crap.

I mean, have you read a newspaper lately?

Obviously not, because your astronomical asking price works out to your 2004 purchase price of $330,000, plus $60,000 for upgrades, and then $109,900 for, uh, well...I don't know what that could be for. Because your 5th grade teacher gave you a gold star and told you you were special?

Beats me.

So, just to be clear, despite the news and neighborhood conversations being overwhelmingly focused on the worst housing implosion in our nation's history, you somehow concluded your property was the only one in Long Beach to actually appreciate during that time? By $170,000, no less?

Ma'am, are you sure your 5th grade teacher didn't hold you back a grade or four?

Oh, fine, I'll give you some compliments to make you feel better:

The neighborhood is a great selling point.

Those plantation shutters are a nice touch.

One of your showers looks pretty good.


That stainless steel backsplash looks, um, interesting?

(I'm struggling here)

Umm...I haven't been to Bono's in a while and your listing photo reminded me to go back?

Look, lady, there's no way in holy hell this thing rents for $2,800. Not with one garage spot (street parking in this area is brutal), and not with nearby upgraded 2 bed/2 baths renting for $1,650 - $1,800.

Hell, even some of the most expensive luxury rentals in Long Beach with TWO garage spots, a gym, and a pool (these units are way out of your league and in no way comparable, but I want to make a point here) are asking less than $2,200!

Something is clearly wrong here, and that something is you and your insane ideas about your property's "worth."

Lower the price or get the hell off the MLS.


  1. Some of these sellers continue to be delusional- still hoping to cash in on 2007 prices while assuming that they haven't appreciated since then. Idiot is going to spend a long time on mls at this rate. Hope they have a big reserve for the carrying costs...

  2. I love you, dude. Seriously. I've never had gay feelings but you make me laugh so hard with every one of these posts, I don't know what else to determine.

    Do not stop....ever.

    Hilarious. Oh, and, more importantly, true!