Yardless Wonder

Is this a mobile home?



Address: 4319 E 5th, 90814
Asking Price: $390,000
Year Built: 1990
Size: 2 beds, 1 baths, 760 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $513
Purchase price: $434,284
Purchase date: 11/2008
MLS#: P679069
On Redfin: 1 day
Down Payment: $95,000
Monthly Payment: $2,600
Income Requirement: $135,000
Description: CLOSE TO THE OCEAN AND BELMONT SHORES. FEATURES INCLUDE HARDWOOD FLOORS,NEWER KITCHEN,FRESHLEY, PAINTED,AUTOMATIC ENTRY GATE TO DRIVEWAY. THIS PLACE IS VERY DESIRABLE

This bank-owned property comes complete with a bank-owned-quality description.

"FRESHLEY, PAINTED"?

Okay...

"CLOSE TO...BELMONT SHORES."

What is it with LB listing agents who don't know that it's Belmont Shore, not Shores? How can you expect people to believe you understand Long Beach real estate when you can't even correctly spell the name of one of its premier neighborhoods?



This mediocre modular has been sitting on the market since December 23 with no interest. With this ridiculous price (which is a result of four price reductions!) it's no wonder why.

The tiling theme in this place reminds me of a padded cell (not that I've ever seen the inside of a padded cell. Uh, recently).







If you can believe it, in late 2006 this hardwood-floored water closet sold for $635,000. You got that right, Chachi: $835 per square foot.

Exactly two years later (the fact that they lasted that long pretty much rules out fraud, meaning they actually found someone dumb fucking stupid enough to pay $4,000 per month for this thing) the bank took it back at auction for $434,284. How's about a $200,000 loss on a 760 square foot shack? Good times!

And there will be another $200,000 write off unless they wake up very soon. That's because there is no doubt in my mind this undesirable property on an undesirable lot (in an okay neighborhood) will revert to 2002 pricing (~$200,000) when the bubble has fully deflated. No doubt.

Lender: if you have any hope of selling before that frightening 2002 threshold is met, I strongly recommend setting the price at $325,000 today and hacking off 10 grand every month until it sells. You do that and you're sure to find a knife catcher before summer.

But since as a bank you were foolish believe this tiny 2 bed 1 bath was somehow "worth" $635,000 and lent money accordingly, I doubt you'll suddenly start making intelligent decisions.

But I'm hopeful.

Chop chop.