Hammerhead Sharks and Jacuzzi Tadpoles

I can't believe this isn't listed as a Fixer Upper.



Address: 777 St. Louis Ave, 90804
Asking Price: $299,000
Year Built: 1924
Size: 4 beds, 2 baths, 1,674 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $179
Purchase price: $650,000
Purchase date: 4/2007
MLS#: R811004
On Redfin: 65 days
Down Payment: $60,000
Monthly Payment: $1,700
Income Requirement: $85,000
Description: Bank owned. Sold for 650K in 2006. Raised foundation, hardwood floors, formal dining, 50x135 lot, big private yard.

"Sold for 650K in 2006"? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Mark McGwire's 70th home run baseball sold for $3 Million at auction in 1999. What's that thing worth now?



I strongly suggest you click the Redfin link and check out these amazing pictures. Here are the greatest hits:






I mean, wow. What a colossal, stank, rank, piece of shit.

And speaking of pieces of shit:



FLOATER CHECK!

You'll also notice there isn't a single picture of those "hardwood floors" the listing agent seems so proud of. All I see is bong-stained carpet and crusty kitchen tiles.

When I started writing this post, the featured property was asking $349,000--renewing my faith in the idiocy and greed of Long Beach sellers. But yesterday the price was slashed by $50,000 (one glance at those pictures and it's astoundingly obvious why), demonstrating a granule of common sense.

Regardless, the bank is getting royally screwed on this one. From what I've been able to piece together, this house was purchased for $454,000 in 2004. Those people sold to another buyer two and a half years later for $650,000 (*cough* fraud *cough*). That new "owner," unable to make the insane monthly payment, gave the keys back to the bank in June 2008. The bank claimed this shitbox at auction for $532,914 and has been sitting on it ever since.

Assuming the bank can offload this Ebola dumpster for current asking price (giggle), the loss will be at least $250,000. But, as usual, the question is whether the bank could sell for this brain-rattling wising price.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no.

Not in this condition. Look at the jacuzzi for Pete's sake! Mosquito Central!



The question here is not affordability. It's getting there. The question is whether someone wants to put the overwhelming amount of work into this place to make it inhabitable. New bathrooms, appliances, landscaping, kitchen, rear deck, jacuzzi, interior and exterior paint...not to mention the mystery issues (plumbing, heating, water heaters, etc.) that are bound to surface the moment you sign on the dotted line.

Admittedly, it has a much better shot at $179 per square foot than the original, batshit crazy $229 per square, but this place is in absolutely terrible shape and no investor in the world could perform the required work and achieve positive cashflow.

Knock another $50,000 or $60,000 off and you might find someone brave enough.

Until then, we'll try to decipher the meaning of all that crap on the bathroom walls.



Any interpretations you'd like to share, dear reader?