Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Shingled Shithole

ADDRESS: 1495 MOLINO Ave, 90804
BATHS: 1.75
SQ. FT.: 2,134
$/SQ. FT.: $257
LOT SIZE: 4,400 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Single Family
STYLE: Two Level, Barn Type, Brown Shingle, Ranch, Rustic
COMMUNITY: Eastside/Circle Area
COUNTY: Los Angeles
MLS#: Y1001035
ON REDFIN: 18 days
DOWN PAYMENT: $110,000 ($22,000 FHA)
MONTHLY NUT: $2,900 ($3,400 FHA)
DESCRIPTION:Standard Sale . . This Spacious Beach Home wraps The Corner of Molino at 15th Street . . Beautiful TwoStory 4 Bedroom 2 Bath Cottage 2,134 SqFt Spacious Home wraps a 4444 SqFt Corner Lot . . Vaulted Ceilings Draw your Spirit and Eyes Up Up! Up to the SkyLights and Ornate Portal Accents . . Casting Light and Shadows that Inspire Your Imagination! It will remind you of that Perfect Vacation . . While making you feel Completely at Home! * Only 2 Miles to the Pounding Surf * Architecturally Enchanting Conversation Pieces . . SkyLight Bathed Natural Wood Walls & Massive BookCase . . Winding StairCase with Two Landings to 3 of 4 Bedrooms . . Enjoy Coffee and Sunlight out the Double French Doors Onto The Master Bedroom Balcony! Frollic in The SunShine and Fresh Air * * Kitchen SkyLights Usher in Cheerful Days * * . . The Perfect Home to Raise Many Children and House Plants too! . .. .. .. .. .. .. Please Call Kennedy Real Estate of Downey (562) 244-8446 for Open Houses Scheduled with Private Showings Invited

That description an unholy mess.

“Frollic in The SunShine”?

“Vaulted Ceilings Draw your Spirit and Eyes Up Up! Up”?

“SkyLights” mentioned three times?

Good lord. WTF is up with this English-as-a-seventh-language realtor and her bizarrely written description?

The best part is that in one breath the agent refers to this shingled shithole as a “Beach Home,” and in the next admits it’s two miles from the ocean. Are you reta[CENSORED BY THE PALIN WORD POLICE]ded?

Newsflash, Magellan: Something this far from the water can’t be referred to as a "Beach Home." Do Leisure World residents call their apartments "Beach Homes"? No, they don't. Do you know why they don't?


I guess this realtor, apparently from Downey, expects to find a buyer just as clueless about Long Beach as she is.

Look, lady, clearly you’re out of your area of “expertise.” And as a profession, you’re clearly out of your league. I’ve seen some illiterate, confounding realtors and their descriptions, but this is up there among the most embarrassing. Please get out of this line of work. Just go back to bartending and leave this to the professionals.

And if you thought the description was ugly as prom night in West Virginia, wait until you see the photos.

Let’s start with the lead shot:

What was the first thing that came to mind?

Yep. Me too.

The judges would have also accepted:

And this "Perfect Home to Raise Many Children" doesn't even have a backyard. Just a one-car garage with Barrio Bars, a concrete “play area," and a mangy, flea-bitten dog peeing on the kids’ toys.

This is so incredibly depressing. The worst part? There is no air conditioning. Could you imagine the heat generated by the tall-ass ceilings and dark, sun-absorbing shingled exterior during the summer? It vaporizes my electrolytes just thinking about it.

Even scarier than the prospect of living here during a sweltering heatwave are the interior shots:

Half a million clams for this festering pile? You must be joking.

And did you notice the one crucial photo that was missing? Yep, no shot of the kitchen. And that was no accident. It must be truly hideous.

However, in the interest of finding one positive thing about this dump I present: Built-in bookshelves!

And it looks like the Winter Olympics are on TV. Curling, to be specific. A wise woman once said, "Anything you can do five-months pregnant isn’t a sport, it’s a hobby."

Just so we’re clear, this greedfaced seller paid $386,500 in 2004 for this butt-faced barn and now, after one of the most face-shattering housing collapses in recorded history, feels entitled to $130,000 in bubble profits.


How’s the weather on Planet Quaalude?

Armed with the knowledge that most Long Beach properties of reasonable quality are currently selling for 2003/2004 prices, just why does this dumbass believe his property is special?

Personally, I think he’d be lucky to get $325,000 in this market. Just think of all the work required to make this Dilapidated Daddy Daycare respectable: a new exterior, about 40 gallons of interior paint, new crown molding, new bathrooms, new carpet and flooring, total removal of all interior wood paneling and obviously a new kitchen.

Why would prospective buyers waste their time with this revolting fixer-upper when they could just go up the street to Signal Hill and get new construction for the same money? Ugh, whatever.

The good news for the new buyer is, you can fix ugly.

The bad news for the seller is, you can’t fix stupid.


  1. Simply amazing find, El Bee.

    I was taken aback by "2 miles to the Pounding Surf!" Yes, because the beach at Ocean Blvd. and Molina is home is some pounding waves.

    BTW, Curling was the most informative programming CNBC has shown in YEARS!!


    El Bee, You are too much!
    I started to feel bad for the realtor, then reality (and laughter) sunk in.

  3. Back to your great caustic self again after a small 'nice' hiatus...
    Life is good again!


  4. Perhaps they are betting on the tsunami come which would then make this a "waterfront steal". I am reminded of Amityville Horror house when first reviewing this "Shinglearium". I wonder if they can get some sponsorship from Certainteed or Owens Corning? At this point I am regrettably certain that there is still someone out there that is just mindnumbingly stupid enough to consider this a deal and will step up to the greater fools gallow to happily serve up their head. I feel like the poor Lieutenant that was watching the train fall from the collapsing bridge in "Bridge on the River Kwai". His words were perfect. "Madness.....Madness!!"

  5. Haha! I was thinking that the Amityville horror house was even nicer than this one when I read the previous comment.

    If you look at the archives and check Redfin for a 'where are they now?' update, you'll see a lot of these pie in the sky houses actually do find buyers at close to asking prices. Why this is, I have no idea.

  6. An old barn, poorly converted to a house, in that area, for half a million bucks!

  7. Ok I'm about to lose all/any credibility by saying that I like this place! I like the high ceilings and some of the woodwork, and think this place has some originality and potential.....

    But as for the neighborhood?

    And the price??

    I'm just saying that this place isn't without any value at all, despite the many bad features.

    And gee whiz, El Bee you should book an appointment to view this place, just to meet this realtor!! You could bring along a hidden camcorder, and make a video out of it!

    Those photos boggle the mind. I love the one of the tub!

    Talk about lack of staging?!?!?!?!?!

    I COULD make a very politically incorrect comment here, but I think I will save it.

  8. Hmm kinda funky. Maybe if they updated the interior, put in a killer A/C and converted it into some kinda art/work/live space it could go somewhere. But with all that wood shingle I'm surprise it lasted this long- I woulda thought that a nice long, hot Santa Ana in October would cause that thing to burn to a crisp already...