Curb Appall

273 ROYCROFT Ave, 90803
Asking Price: $749,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 1
Sq. Ft.: 1,200
$/Sq. Ft.: $624(!)
Lot Size: 4,100 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1922
MLS#: P705294
Status: Active This listing is for sale and the sellers are accepting offers.
On Redfin: 61 days
Down Payment: $149,800
Income Requirement (4x income): $187,000
Monthly Nut: $4,100
Description: Totally rebuilt like new in every way possible. A beautifully appointed home with a designer touch and flare for the modern, and lives larger than its size with total openness from entrance to the family room fireplace, and an abundance of natural lighting. Perfect turnkey home for the owner with discerning taste, rebuilt like new thruout and surrounded by mature and professional landscape. New/ upgraded: plumbing, electric, roof, tankless water heater, dual pane windows, interior and exterior doors and hardware, new cherry kitchen and bath. It offers a private yard and stone patio for great bbques with lots of friends. Seriously a don't miss

"Thruout"? As in, "Let me clear my thruout"?

Or, "Hey guyth, whoth's in for thsom thruout fithing thith thaturday?"

"Bbques"? What? Why not just write "BBQs"? Or get off your lazy ass and write out "Bar-B-Ques"? But to sloppily combine the two? I don't get it.

I particularly love the strong ending: "Seriously a don't miss[.]"

Too bad their price is seriously fucking retarded.

Three quarters of a million dollars?

FOR 1,200 SQUARE FEET?!

Where do you think you are, asshole, on a private island in the Mediterranean?

Good lord.

It's nice to see Long Beach meth dealers still doing well in this tough economy, because there is no other rational explanation for this greedtarded wishing price. What is with these bungle-ow sellers and their never ending supply of "I'm Special" juice?

Remember how I used the seller from A Man's Sport (they obviously share a dealer) to illustrate the perils of being one of the most expensive listings in the neighborhood?

Well, today's featured numbskull is suffering from the same delusions of greedeur. He's one of the most expensive 2-bedrooms around. Hell, not even beachfront property is so boldly violating $600 per square foot.

And our Roycroft seller has even more in common with the nutter from A Man's Sport than just avarice. Check the tile-happy bathroom:


And the paint-by-numbers granite and stainless kitchen:


TA-DAAAAA!

Don't get me wrong, this is a sweet little property with an impressive amount of upgrades. But with a $4,100 monthly nut, this thing is egregiously overpriced.

How do I know? Pull up Craigslist and try to find the most expensive 2-bedroom/1-bath bungalow for rent in this area. What did you come up with?

Here's one asking $2,475:


And sure, the kitchen isn't as nice, but you're telling me you'd rather shell out an extra $1,600 per month to cook your franks n' beans in a "nicer" kitchen?

Really?

Because if that's the case, I have some tulips, beanie babies, and Pets.com stock to sell you. You're just the buyer these Belmont Heights sellers (and every other huckster on the planet) has been waiting for.

Look, as long as the Rent vs. Buy calculation is so far askew, we potential buyers might as well hibernate in an Afghan cave because we have a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way to go before housing prices make any kind of sense.

And speaking of not making sense, here's the thing that really gets me about this place: It's supposedly "totally rebuilt like new in every way possible" (a ridiculous claim because unless it was bulldozed to the foundation and built new, it can't possibly be "rebuilt." Renovated, maybe, but not rebuilt. And who the fuck would tear down a house only to rebuild only 1,200 square feet in a prime nabe?) and with all the effort, time, and money put into improvements and upgrades...this is your idea of curb appeal?

More like curb appall.

Sorry, but that porch and front façade is mudfence ugly considering the price tag.

This seller, who dumped untold wheelbarrows full of cash into his house, purchased in Fall of 2004 for a double-take inducing $675,000. After fixing it up and living in it for five years, he plopped it on the market for $785,000 --with the full expectation that it appreciated a whopping $110,000 ($1,833 per month). That's right: During the worst housing crash this universe will likely ever see.

I'm dying to know what he would ask if the bubble had never burst! A cool mil? Two?

It only took him about a month to realize the house was located on the corner of a noisy intersection and had a useless garage, and he quickly cut the ask by $36,000.

But really, what was the point? It's still woefully overpriced.

I imagine his first demand of $785,000 was his "profit" price. And judging by the estimated costs of upgrades and commissions, his current demand of $749,000 is probably his "break-even" price.

Which means the next inevitable discount will put him deeply in the red.

Pal, if you wanted to walk with any semblance of profits, you're about three years late to the party. Now all you have in store is a fiscal kick to the nuts.

Interestingly, just like the Man's Sport house, this place sold for a bubble price before the bubble even got going. You see, in 2002, this place, ostensibly without any of the considerable upgrades, sold for $519,000. More than half a million bones for 1,200 non-upgraded square feet in '02!

Wow.

Maybe it really is different in The Heights.

And if you believe that, I'd like to thank you for keeping crank dealers in the greater Long Beach area gainfully employed.