Made in the Shade

16 12Th Pl, 90802
Price: $995,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 3
Sq. Ft.: 2,056
$/Sq. Ft.: $484
Lot Size: 2,915 Sq. Ft. (yikes!)
Year Built: 1904
MLS#: P666834
On Redfin: 254 days
Down Payment: $200,000
Monthly Payment: $6,100 (@ 6.5% jumbo)
Income Requirement: $285,000
Description: $200,000. PRICE ADJUSTMENT!!! This one of a kind Alamitos Beach Bluff home has the location and views you've been wanting! It has an updated kitchen and breakfast bar with top-o-line Starmark European maple cabinets,bamboo flooring,recessed lites and S/S appliances.The large formal dining room and open living room lead to the patio overlooking the beach for your morning coffee or brunch. The large family room with recessed lites and crown moulding leads to your own private rear yard with new hardscape and landscape.The inside laundry room with premium washer, dryer and sink off the kitchen also has a upgraded 1/2 bath. The upper level off the foyer has two large master suites with walk in closets,berber carpet, ocean views, top-o-line Hans Grohe fixtures in the upgraded baths and a sun porch. This home has too many upgrades to mention.... a must see for your fussy clients! CLICK ON MEDIA 21 OR MAIN PICTURE TO ACCESS VIRTUAL TOUR AND PICS.

Boy, for a house "at the water's edge," you would think the realtor would be smart enough to include shots of that glorious ocean view.

Wanna know why she didn't? Because there isn't one.

Weren't you beginning to wonder why the exterior shots looked a bit, um, shady?

Well, it's because this house, with only two bedrooms on a cramped lot, is completely surrounded by enormous apartment buildings and a parking structure. Engulfed might be a better word to describe how deep in the shadows this house is.

Do yourself a favor and click on the Redfin listing and check out the Aerial View. DOH!

And is it just me, or does it seem like every "Cape Cod" homeowner has a graduate degree in Application of Clutter as Home Decoration?

To give you an idea of just how greedy and delusional this seller is, the original listing price in December 2008 was a laughable $1,400,000. After four months with no interest, they relisted in April 2009 (presumably with a different realtor who promised vastly more bubble profits) with an unbelievable $1,700,000 price tag.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Idiot.

They are obviously convinced the proximity to the water is worth big bucks. But I have news for them: With no actual view of the ocean, that's like Rachel Bilson being your online girlfriend.

Or living near the most scenic point of the Grand Canyon--in a windowless mansion.

Great in theory, but about as useless as braille on a Harley Davidson owner's manual.

So, the current asking price of $995,000 represents a $705,000 fall from grace--ERRR, wake up call--ERRR, reality check--ERRR, discount from the highest asking price.

Jul 17, 2009 - Price Changed $995,000
Apr 07, 2009 - Price Changed $1,200,000
Apr 07, 2009 - Relisted ($1,700,000)
Dec 18, 2008 - Delisted
Dec 02, 2008 - Listed $1,400,000
Sep 06, 2002 - Sold $459,000
Oct 20, 1998 - Sold $300,000
Nov 22, 1996 - Sold $255,000

Dang, can you believe this place sold for $255,000 during the last housing downturn? Sheesh.

The crazy thing is, the 2002 purchase price of $459,000 means if this seller just priced realistically, he would walk away with a pallet full of cold, hard cash. Assuming he didn't HELOC himself into the stratosphere, that is.

But given the costs associated with "too many upgrades to mention," all bets are off.

The House of Fraud

1071 Newport Ave, 90804
Price: $378,000
Beds: 3
Baths: 1
Sq. Ft.: 753
$/Sq. Ft.: $502
Year Built: 1905
MLS#: S584658
On Redfin: 6 days
Down Payment: $76,000
Monthly Payment: $2,100
Income Requirement: $108,000
Description: THIS PROPERTY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY REMODALED AND CUSTOMIZED INTO A LARGE 1 BED 1 BATH, EVERYTHING IS NEW INSIDE AND OUT, NEW SHUTTERS, LAMINATE FLOORING, LARGE LAUNDRY IN GARAGE. A MUST SEE TO APPRICIATE

"APPRICIATE?" Huh?

And speaking of huh?, the property is listed as a 3-bedroom, 1-bath. But in the listing description the realtard says it's been "REMODALED" into a large 1-bed/1-bath.

Who the fuck would remodale into a smaller, less desirable configuration?!

"Honey, I just customized our 3-series BMW. Yeah, I took out all of the passenger seats. Wanna drive to Big Bear?"

What an idiot.

And that useless 1-bed/1-bath layout makes the asking price of $378,000 that much more deliciously imbecilic.

But I think the pièce de résistance is this gloriously remodaled bathroom.

It looks like they couldn't be bothered to replace the 50s aqua tiles behind the shower knobs (that would require cutting new white tiles to fit around the hardware) so they just tiled around them and painted the wall blue to make it look intentional. How retro!


Overall, though, the inside looks pretty tidy. The fake wood floors are standard flipper fare, but the plantation shutters sure are a nice touch.


Although, what's up with this one?

Doesn't it look like it's sticking out from the wall a good three inches?

Anyhow, the sales history tells a sordid, slimy tale of straw buyers, flipping frenzies, and outright fraud:

Aug 06, 2009 - Listed $378,000
Feb 14, 2009 - Delisted
Feb 14, 2009 - Relisted
Jan 31, 2009 - Delisted
Oct 27, 2008 - Listed
May 18, 2004 - Sold $450,000 (561.4%/yr)
Mar 10, 2004 - Sold $315,000 (21.0%/yr)
Jun 21, 2001 - Sold $187,500 (48.1%/yr)
Apr 20, 2000 - Sold $118,500 (-21.6%/yr)
Apr 15, 1999 - Sold $151,689 (7.1%/yr)
Feb 12, 1998 - Sold $140,000 (531.0%/yr)
Jul 02, 1997 - Sold $45,000

Come on, a $95,000 gain in seven months? A $135,000 gain in 68 days? This thing changed hands seven times in seven years, and you're out of your mind if you think those transactions were all on the up-and-up.

I wouldn't be surprised if this place just changed hands among family members, each transaction showering them with ill-gotten bubble profits.

Anyhow, it's the lender's problem now. And their main problem is that they are going to have a helluva time trying to find a buyer for the current asking price of $378,000. That's a lot of money!

Think about it: Now that the extra bedrooms have been removed, this place has essentially been rendered worthless but to a very narrow demographic of potential buyers: Rich singles or (very compact) couples willing to shoehorn themselves into 753 square feet. Either way, the household income required to realistically keep up with the payments is $108,000 per year!

That's nearly THREE TIMES the median income for 90804! I somehow doubt someone pulling down that kind of coin will appriciate shelling out $2,100 per month to live in this shaky neighborhood.

Hopefully the lender realizes that very soon and gives up on this $502 per square foot asking price.

If not, I wish them luck. They're going to need it.

Dumbest. Seller. Ever.: UPDATE II

Remember this dingbat in the Diplomat? Well he finally sold!

Just kidding. He's still a greedtarded moron.

DAYS ON MARKET: 889

Check out this ingenious pricing strategy:

Mar 06, 2007 - Listed $510,000
May 08, 2007 - Price Changed $508,000
Nov 16, 2008 - Price Changed $490,000
Dec 23, 2008 - Price Changed $480,000

Easy there, broseph! We can barely keep up with all those aggressive price cuts!

Hell, at this rate he'll have it sold in no time! And by "no time" I mean 2056.

I mean, maybe he simply forgot his apartment was for sale? Is that possible? Kind of like leaving the iron on or locking your keys in the car?

And do you remember this nearby condo I highlighted in the original post:

Or, would you rather buy this nearby condo with upgraded bathrooms and floors (our mental midget at 1401 only has carpet) for $319,000:




If you bought this tidy little place, with a price unchanged since April and 393 total DOM, you'd have enough left over to buy a car commensurate with your six-figure income ($112,000 is four times the local median income, you big baller!) like a Beluga black Bentley Continental GT with a turbocharged 6.0L W12 under the hood:


Yeah, well that dude sold in May for $225,000. Ouch. Doesn't portend well for Crazy McKookiepants asking $480,000.

Pepto-Dismal

Better call the Crazy Police because we might have a 5150 on our hands.

1919 E Beverly Way #212, 90802
Price: $365,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 2
Sq. Ft.: 1,151
$/Sq. Ft.: $317
HOA: $250
Year Built: 1982
MLS#: P697312
On Redfin: 12 days
Down Payment: $73,000
Monthly Payment: $2,300
Income Requirement: $104,000
Description: Turnkey! Top Floor, End Unit 2 bedrooms/2 full baths PLUS ARTISTS STUDIO LOFT, Inviting Open Floor Plan with Abundant Natural Light, and Vaulted Ceilings. This unique condo has both a Balcony with a South Facing View and your Own Private Deck with City Lights View. Pass through Kitchen with a Bar Counter plus a Separate Dining Area. Spiral Staircase leads to spacious loft that has a separate entry and dircect access to private deck. There is also a Wood-burning Fireplace in living room, in-unit Washer and Dryer, and Ceramic Tile in kitchen and baths. Ample Closet and Storage Space. Comes with Two Parking Spaces in underground parking with storage space. Other amenities include Community laundry and a large Exercise Room. Minutes to Downtown, Belmont Shore, shopping, freeways, and just blocks to the Beach!

"Dircect"?

"Yeah, man, it was creepy as hell. After I paid for my chili dog the cashier at Der Wienerschnitzel asked me if I wanted to be in his cult."

Get it?

Get it?!

Uh, no.

So, what we have here is the most expensive condo in the area by a long shot. I guess this seller doesn't quite grasp the concept of short sales needing to substantially undercut nearby sellers because of the hassles, frustrations, and delays inherent in getting banks' approval.

Their fax machine must have been out of paper the day Reality HQ sent that memo.

And speaking of pure, unadulterated idiocy, since when is community laundry an "amenity"?

Yeah, maybe to someone who washes their clothes in a river delta. But a couple earning the required household income of $104,000, having your five-minutes-too-long-in-the-dryer socks and undies dumped on the washroom floor complete with a passive aggressive note exclaiming, "OTHEr pEEpLE LIVE HEAR TO!!" consider that shit to be a big ol' deal breaker.

And then we have the Pepto-Bismal walls--actually, you know what? I want to go back to this community laundry thing. Seriously, this could be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in a listing.

Look, if we're talking about a shithole $15,000 studio apartment next to the train tracks in poverty-stricken Detroit, I could understand how laundry facilities in the building would be a big deal. BUT YOU'RE ASKING THREE HUNDRED SIXTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT HAS LAUNDRY MACHINES ON THE PREMISES!

Man.

Back to the awful color palate that nobody bothered to paint over before trying to sell. I mean, lady, figure it out. The first thing a potential buyer is going to think is, "Wait, you're telling me this place costs $200,000 more than the last sale in this building AND I have to spend two weeks repainting practically every surface?"


Come on, DO WORK!

However, I do have to give her credit for the old-school TV.
I'm dead serious. How many distressed listings have we seen where people have massive HELOC flat-screens that they probably couldn't afford?

It doesn't take a financial genuis to tell you that this place has no shot finding a buyer at this price. And that's assuming a bank would ever getting around to approving this outrageous price tag.

I mean, just check out the Street View. Yikes! That's a scary street/alley to live on. It kind of reminds me of that cul-de-sac scene in Training Day.

You can go in, but you might not make it back out.

No Quit on Mariquita!: UPDATE II

The status was "Active" and changed to "Contingent"

I mean, just how awful is the Long Beach inventory situation when this asthma shack goes Contingent for $500,000?

It looks like that brain-damaged clod with a wheelbarrow full of cash happened by.
Hopefully for the seller it makes it through escrow.