For the Love of Money

For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight,
Oh, that mean, mean, mean, mean, mean green.
Almighty Dollar!
Talkin' bout, talkin' bout - cash!
I know that money is the root of all evil,
Do funny things to some people.
Give me a nickel, brother can you spare a dime?
Money can drive some people out of their minds.

For the love of money.
No good, no good, no good.

For the love of money.
Don't sell ya soul for the money - no, no.

-The O'Jays, For the Love of Money


Address: 5216 E. Vista, 90803
Asking Price: $729,000
Year Built: 1941
Size: 3 beds, 1 baths, 1,243 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $586
Purchase price: $225,000
Purchase date: 10/1993
MLS#: P684522
On Redfin: 62 days
Down Payment: $146,000
Monthly Payment: $4,200
Income Requirement: $208,000
Description: This 3 bedroom 1 bath fixer property is in heart of Belmont Park. Walking distance to many restaurants, shops, just minutes from the beach and the marina. Hardwood floors throughout, 1/2 block to Lowell Elementary

LOL: "Listing Price Excludes: Dining room light, entry hall light"

SCREW THAT, DEAL'S OFF!

The word "fixer" should never be a descriptor for a house asking $586 per square foot. Not that that nugget of common sense would ever stop delusional Long Beach sellers from their delusional ways.

But don't worry about it, pal, I'm sure there are plenty of doctor/lawyer couples looking to shell out $4,200 a month for the privilege of sharing a bathroom and paying for all of your (obviously substantial) deferred maintenance.

Incredibly, this asking price of $729,000 is a $79,000 increase from the original April demand of $650,000!

Great sales tactic!

Here is where my jaw hit the floor: This (outwardly) cute little house was purchased in 1993 for $225,000, but even if they found a buyer for $729,000 IT STILL WOULDN'T COVER THE LOANS!

WTF?!

If serial refinancing were heroin, before his fatal short-sale overdose this guy was in the "turning-tricks-on-Santa-Monica-Boulevard-and-shooting-up-in-between-his-toes" stage.

The amazing thing is, if he hadn't taken out so much money against the house, a few years from now he would probably own this place free-and-clear.

FREE-AND-CLEAR!

He would have absolute financial freedom and could retire in this absolutely amazing neighborhood with no house payment. But instead of monetary liberty, our avarice-fueled seller chose a life of unchecked greed, rampant consumerism, and living above his means. The implacable desire for cash money can truly drive people out they damn minds.

There are no other pictures provided, so for the sake of alacrity I'll keep this short. I just thought you'd like to see where your hard-earned tax dollars are going: To myopic, irresponsible turds like this one.

The Patron Saint of Greed

Address: 312 Saint Joseph, 90803
Asking Price: $649,000
Year Built: 1923/2003
Size: 2 beds, 2 baths, 1,000 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $649
Purchase price: $355,000
Purchase date: 2/2002
MLS#: P682877
On Redfin: 72 days
Down Payment: $130,000
Monthly Payment: $3,600
Income Requirement: $185,000
Description: All new construction completed in 2003, this beautiful Spanish 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom home has beautiful cherry hardwood floors throughout, new vented gas fireplace, and romantic back yard. Dual function dual-pane Marvin windows. All new bathrooms, custom tile/glass block shower and deep jetted tub. Skylight over tub operates by remote. Ceiling fans in all rooms and solar tubes in living room and kitchen. Customized kitchen cabinets and pull out shelves with Silestone counter tops. Antique stained glass in kitchen. All new kitchen appliances including dual fuel stove, refrigerator, trash compactor, and Franke stainless sink and Moen faucet. Private rear decks off kitchen and master bedroom. New sidelights in master bedroom, central air-conditioning, central heat and insulated roof coating on house. Absolutely everything has been done!

An excellent description! Nice work!

And checking out the photos, I have no reason to doubt the claim that "absolutely everything has been done." This inside of this place looks freaking awesome.




But $649 per square foot?!

Yikes, buddy.

This seller purchased in March 2002 for $355,000, constructed a brand new house the following year, got about six good years of use out of it and this April put it on the market for a jaw dropping $699,000.

Zoinks!

That greedtarded price resulted in a chorus of laughter from the market, and last month the price was dropped by $50,000, or 7%.

$649,000 obviously hasn't attracted a buyer yet, so what's next?

Well, if the goal is to get out while the gettin' is good, you would price it realistically from the beginning, close escrow in a matter of weeks, and run off into the Barbados sunset with a suitcase full of cash.

But seeing as how this is Belmont Heights, which, as we all have been told, is "immune to market forces," this seller decided to start with an astoundingly ridiculous asking price and slowly chase the market down. You know, just to let everyone know how "special" this place is and to advertise that he doesn't mind potentially losing out on a massive financial windfall so long as everyone is acutely aware of said specialness.

The going price per square foot in this zip is $400. Even if you add a premium for the "newish" construction and considerable upgrades (which, let's be honest, is justifiable here), this guy is still way off. In fact, this is currently the most expensive 2 bedroom listed in this area, a testament to the "uniqueness" of this tiny house.

$499,000 333 Argonne Ave
0.07 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 760 Sq. Ft.

$430,000 4512 E 4th St
0.32 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 875 Sq. Ft.

$579,000 4451 E Barker Way
0.33 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 1,122 Sq. Ft.

$549,000 616 Park Ave
0.37 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 1,147 Sq. Ft.

$620,000 237 Granada Ave
0.39 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 1,014 Sq. Ft.

$570,000 205 Santa Ana Ave
0.69 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 979 Sq. Ft.

$399,000 4037 E 7th St
0.71 miles 2 bd / 1 ba 832 Sq. Ft.

How do you justify a premium like that? Another Long Beach property with an oil field and gold depository in the back yard? Who knows what this guy is thinking.

And check out the sales history:

Oct 25, 1990 - Sold $260,000
Jul 26, 1991 - Sold $67,000 -83.6%/yr (What happened between October 1990 and July 1991? Did it burn down?)
Jun 29, 1998 - Sold $58,000 -2.1%/yr
Mar 22, 2002 - Sold $355,000 62.6%/yr (How do you appreciate nearly 63% per year from '98 to '02? The bubble was crazy, but that's INSANE.)
Apr 08, 2009 - Listed $699,000

Weird.

So, back to our current seller. I'm not a general contractor, but if construction costs were $100 per square foot in 2003, this guy doled out around a hundred grand to build this little buddy. So he's in for about $455,000.

And you have to imagine he paid down the note considerably in seven years of ownership.

Translation: He has a REALLY nice cushion here. So why is he priced so far above his fellow sellers? I mean, this house is nice. But it ain't that nice.

Only one house this year has been "special" enough to sell for this kind of money, and that was two months ago (not to mention an unemployment percentage point and a mortgage percentage point ago). And it's bigger by 234 square feet and located 2,000 feet from the ocean.

So he's taking a gamble that his (admittedly sweet) little house is even more special than that one (and worth around $1,000 extra per month to own rather than rent). I wish him luck with that strategy.

However, I'm afraid if interest rates get away from the Fed, he'll have missed the boat. And if he hasn't sold by late summer, he'll be scrambling to cut cut cut to find a buyer. And what would have been a monstrous return-on-investment could instead become a crushing loss based on a notion that good taste can defy gravity.

Back From Kentucky

Regular(ish) updates will resume soon, but in the meantime I want you to see what you can get for under $350,000 in Lexington, KY:


And in Long Beach, CA?

A Face Only a Flipper Could Love

Address: 5571 E Vernon, 90815
Asking Price: $670,000
Year Built: 1952
Size: 7 beds, 5 baths, 3,675 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $182
Purchase price: $155,500
Purchase date: 11/2000
MLS#: S568175
On Redfin: 87 days
Down Payment: $134,000
Monthly Payment: $3,900
Income Requirement: $191,000
Description: UPGRADED!! Beautiful two story house, upgrades throughout including granet, hardwood floors and covered patio.

"Granet"? Oh I get it, those "UPGRADED!!" counter tops must be from France.

I mean, what is this place? Ugh, this monstrosity is just about the ugliest house I have ever seen. And although some dough was clearly spent on the interior, it's still not my thing.

I don't know how you guys feel about crown moulding, but I am firmly in the less-is-more category. Otherwise you start applying that crap to staircases:


Next thing you know you're unwittingly applying it to mailboxes and bathtubs.

The worst is when slanted roofs create awkward application and the air conditioning vents are too high on the wall. Then you end up with head-scratchers like this:

And you absolutely must check out the Aerial View of this house. The kitchen is in the emergency lane of the 405.

Remember how I sarcastically suggested this guy should raise the price by $100,000 to lure a seller?

Well today's idiot ACTUALLY DID! In March the original asking price was $575,000, but two months later it was jacked up to $680,000.

What a jackass.

It should be noted that the day after balooning the asking price to a WTF $680,000, he (pointlessly) cut a whopping $10,000 from the asking price. Why bother?

Anyhow, this delusual Long Beach seller, who purchased for $290,000 in 1998, actually believes he deserves $380,000 in profits (not including commissions and however much he spent perpetually adding on to this oddity), which would earn him almost $35,000 per year of ownership!

That's one hard working house!

And even if he gets that ridiculous sum of money, this mulligan of a house will still be a short sale!

What?!

So during the course of 11 years, he somehow managed to rack up something like $400,000 in Home Equity Lines of Credit and cash-out refinances? Wow, this is going to get ugly.

Uh, uglier, that is.

And the listing agent sure isn't doing the seller any favors with photos like these:

Uh, you couldn't just move that crap out of the way?

And how about a pic of some of the seven bedrooms? Or how's about a pic of just ONE of the five bathrooms?

Man, as if the asking price and lackluster description weren't bad enough? Have you ever actually sold a house?

Here's my favorite part of the listing:
Listing Price Excludes: All Viking Appliances

Taking your ball and going home, eh?

How the seller can justify that greedtarded price of $670,000 while simultaneously promising to rip out the best feature on eviction day is beyond me. I guess I've once again underestimated the greed-faced delusion of Long Beach sellers.

Great find, Carl!

Dawson's Crock

Address: 531 Dawson Ave, 90814
Asking Price: $349,900
Year Built: 1923
Size: 2 beds, 1 baths, 764 sq. ft.
$/Sq. ft.: $458
Purchase price: $424,658
Purchase date: 7/2008
MLS#: P686838
On Redfin: 34 days
Down Payment: $119,000
Monthly Payment: $3,600
Income Requirement: $170,000
Description: What a gorgeous Craftsman! This property still features the built in cabinetry in the living area! Do not miss out on this opportunity to own a piece of history at an affordable price. This property features and updated bath with tile everywhere, wood flooring, baseboarding, an updated kitchen with what appears to be granite counters, small loft area, laundry hookups and a covered rear porch can be used as a carport. Priced to sell!

I don't know about owning "a piece of history," but this is definitely a piece of something...

From what I've been able to gather, the bank took back this little buddy last July and has been sitting on it ever since. I guess the lender was waiting for the market to "return to normal." Unfortunately, the misguided wager that bubble pricing would return post haste cost them dearly. By the time they got this green machine back on the MLS last month, the economy had already shed millions of jobs and real estate had been pummeled beyond recognition.

In a normal world, the decision-maker who played tricks to put off the day of reckoning would be cashing unemployment checks. In this world, homeboy probably got a promotion.

Anyhow, would you like to see the anatomy of a Bubble?

Dec 27, 1999 - Sold $83,000
Mar 14, 2001 - Sold $159,500 (71.4% appreciation/yr)
Jul 02, 2001 - Sold $171,000 (26.0% appreciation/yr)
Apr 01, 2004 - Sold $356,000 (30.6% appreciation/yr)

Yes, totally normal appreciation based on solid economic fundamentals, uh-huh, yep, nothing to see here, folks!

It looks like the 2004 owner tried to sell in June 2007, but ended up languishing on the market for a year until the bank finally took it back at auction. The weird part is, El Banco Estupido bought it back for $68,658 more than what the '04 owner paid. In 2008!

Que la chinga?

I have a sneaking suspicion the 2004 owner racked up a bunch of cash-out refi and/or HELOC debt (and the bank, believing that "real estate never goes down," gladly lent it to him) to pay for "what appears to be granite counters."

By the way, "what appears to be" should never appear in the description for something costing $350,000. FUCKING FIND OUT, DUMMY!

And speaking of questionable upgrades, this picture really says it all:

Dude, nice two-inch spaces between tiles. Imagine the buckets o' grout needed to fill in those cavernous gaps!

Man, when the agent says, "with tile everywhere," he really means WITH TILE EVERYWHERE.

This place is a wonderland of confusion. For example, are the bedrooms connected?

And why would the agent include a picture of the laundry hookups? Dude, I'll take your word for it. Does this photo really add anything to this listing? Hell, I can't even tell if the hookups are inside our outside.

Or how about this photo highlighting that the property has been tagged by gang-related graffiti:

WTF?

Speaking of indifferent laziness and retarded sales technique, someone please explain the marketing benefit of these shots:


That third one is especially egregious. Really, dude? You couldn't take .3 seconds to move the mop out of the frame?

I'll never understand realtors. You are salespeople aren't you?

Could you imagine if an Audi dealership ran ads on their website featuring photos of $65,000 cars with fast food wrappers littered in the foot wells, oil rags plopped on the dashboards and empty Pepsi cans in the cup holders? How long do you think those lazy shits would stay in business?