Blink

Address: 4201 E 3rd St, 90804
Asking Price: $514,900
Year Built: 1922
Size: 2 beds, 1 bath, 1,163 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $443
Purchase price: $576,250
Purchase date: 11/6/2008
MLS#: S554980
On Redfin: 41 days
Down Payment: $103,000
Monthly Payment: $2,900
Income Requirement: $147,000
Description: Wow! Must see this great piece of property located on the corner of 3rd and Roswell. Darling 2 bedroom 1 bath with great patios on the side and in back for entertaining! Great open floor plan with lots of windows, hardwood floors and indoor laundry area. Fully tiled bath and and upgraded kitchen. Oversized garage for great storage. This one will be gone before you can blink!

*Blink*

*Blink Blink Blink*

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That's odd. The house is still there.

And still ugly as a war wound.

This listing tells you all you need to know about how it feels trying (I'm actually not sure if this qualifies as "trying") to sell a bank-owned property.

I mean, the fake enthusiasm just oozes off the screen. Three "Great"s, three exclamation marks, one "Darling" and a "Wow" to kick things off.

I'm particularly fond of listing descriptions that start with a "Wow!" but I don't see a single photo deserving of that word.



Unless of course, they meant "Wow! That's effing depressing!"



Jesus, those dust bunnies look like they bite!

The description mentions several key selling points, yet the agent failed to provide any photos.

"Oversized garage for great storage"? Prove it.

"and and [sic] upgraded kitchen"? Prove it.

To be fair, photos of the patios were provided (I think), but does this cramped, low-walled set-up look ideal for "entertaining"?





And we're definitely in the shit when the best thing about the bathroom is that it's "fully tiled." I should hope so! That's the informational equivalent of saying pine floors are made of wood.

It doesn't matter anyway, because the agent was too afraid to post a picture of this sure-to-be impressive bathroom. And we all know what that means. Yep, there's no sink, the toilet is a paint bucket, and the tile is grouted with ostrich poop.

The white flag is being waved so hard on this listing that someone's arms are going snap out of their sockets. Everyone involved (especially potential buyers) knows for a fact it will never sell for $514,900.



After all, it has been on the market (in some form) since February with no luck.

The most incredible, and telling, fact about the housing bubble is that this house sold in April 2006 for $749,000. Three-quarters of a million for this colossal piece of shit. Unbelievable.

Given, it's in an absolutely amazing neighborhood, but $644 per square foot? WTF were the buyers thinking? They clearly weren't thinking they could afford ~$4,500 a month in carrying costs because they lost the freaking house.

I would ask WTF the lender was thinking, but this was Spring 2006--they weren't thinking. And it cost them dearly.

Well, actually, that $200,000 loss will cost us taxpayers ultimately. But the past is the past. That loss has long since been written off. The real question is how much of a discount will be required to move this crusty casa.

The answer to that question is, um, a lot.

At this asking price, you would have to throw down $2,900 a month (after coming up with a $103,000 down payment). Surely possible for the more well-heeled Long Beach buyers, but consider that this house, just a few blocks away, is asking just $2,000 in rent:

And this it's a THREE BEDROOM!

So, assuming the bank gets serious about offloading this dust mite domicile and cuts the price to, oh, I dunno, $450,000, a knife-catcher might happily jump in. It's a killer neighborhood and location. But even after that significant $65,000 discount, it still wouldn't pencil out as a good investment.

Why? The primary reason, besides significantly lower nearby rents, is maintenance costs. Given the lack of meaningful photos (and the abysmal photos that were included) I'm betting upon closer inspection it's an absolute, god-awful mess. And clocking in at a sprightly 87 years of age, the need for significant deferred maintenance is guaranteed as well.

Do you see why Long Beach is nowhere near a bottom?

2009 is going to be a long year for crappy bank-owned properties that refuse to price like crappy, bank-owned properties.