Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Today's property just got hit with The Scarlet Number: 90.

As in, 90+ days on the market.

And a closer look reveals why it has languished so long, and why it is doomed to remain on the MLS for much, much longer.

Address: 401 Newport Ave, 90814
Asking Price: $508,000
Size: 2 beds, 1 bath, 1,556 sq. ft. (built in 1905)
$/Sq. Ft.: $326
Purchase price: $830,000
Purchase date: 4/2006
MLS#: P648443
On Redfin: 96 days
Down Payment: $101,600
Monthly Payment: $3,100
Income Requirement: $127,000
Description: Location! Location! Location! Desirable area of Belmon Heights! residential with commercial used. formaly the 'SANCTUARY'

The listing description tells you all you need to know about this property's chances of selling. I mean, that has to be one of the most pathetic, piss-poor descriptions I've ever featured.

Let's start with the Triple L claim. Yep, it's in a decent neighborhood. One of the Three Ls down! But it's also sitting right on top of a very busy 4th Street. And there's a stop sign smack dab in front of the property. Traffic noise, much?

Furthermore, whenever I've walked, ridden or driven by this place, I'm astounded at the lack of privacy. There is vast exposure to the street at practically every angle.

Technically the location, as it relates to neighborhood, is good, but otherwise this is an unbelievably unappealing location. For instance, at night the lot 40 feet behind the house is used as the main parking area for the Silver Fox bar/club (it's a Smog Check place by day). Add to that the incredibly low picket fence, and you've got yourself zero privacy.

Next, the realtor can't even get the name of this "Desirable" neighborhood right. "Belmon Heights"? Is that the Jamaican area of Long Beach or something?

At least the "residential with commercial used" line tells us something useful. But then we're hit with, "formaly the 'SANCTUARY'."

Do you mean, "Formerly"?

And exactly who gives a damn what this place was "formaly" called? What possible relevance would that have to anyone? Whatever it was called, it's defunct. Plus, why waste space in the listing description when the 'SANCTUARY' signs are still attached to the house! It's the first freaking picture in the listing!!

It drives me up freshly painted walls when realtors waste space pointing out the obvious. It's like mentioning, "Has roof."

Anyhow, I can clearly see that it used to be SANCTUARY, I just fail to see how that is more important information than, say, what flooring materials were used, what condition the house is in, and what, if any, upgrades are present.

Furthermore, how about letting us know what type of business SANCTUARY was. Clearly nobody is going to bother converting this place back to a residence--too much work. So don't you think it's a good idea to let your business-owning potential buyers know how it's set up? Perhaps these future entrepreneurs are interested in a floorplan more conducive to their particular mode of business? I mean, the set up for a restaurant or a book store is a lot different than a hair salon.

By the way, SANCTUARY used to be a hair salon. See? Helpful, right?

But I guess you "don't want to limit your potential buyers." Fair enough, but by listing this poorly placed plum pustule for more than half a million clams, you've already done a bang up job of alienating most potential buyers. Not to mention the exterior paint color. I mean, is this Grimace's house?

This place looks like a bruise with windows.

Notably, if this Purple Equity Eater sold today, it would represent a loss of $350,000 in just 30 months. WOW! That is a catastrophic loss. The only way that's not going to hurt is if you were charging $4,300 for a cut and color.

And after 96 days, it's obvious that this asking price is still way off the mark.

I'm convinced sellers in this neighborhood are smoking some really good purple haze.

Speaking of weed, is there a better example of an invention created in a cloud of marijuana smoke than Goober?

"Man, it's such a hassle opening two jars to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Plus, like, I gotta use two knives so I don't get jam in my peanut butter and vice varsity, man."

"Yeah, bro, totally. They should just, like, combine the two in one jar."

"Totally dude! We should like, totally, come out with that. We're gonna be rich!"



"Wait. What were we just talking about?"

"Uh, I dunno dude. Wanna go to Del Taco or what?"


  1. Gawd, could people be lazier. Seriously.

    Why don't they throw croutons in there too, and put it in a fucking squeeze tube so we can eat on the go while we're on our way to show the next house...

    Sheesh, what is wrong with you people?

  2. People who eat grape jelly/PB or the real estate salesman who doesn't bother with interior photos and a description?

    Either way, they get what they deserve

  3. HA! And either way, they appear to be smoking the same thing.