Thursday, October 9, 2008

Betty's Bunker

Just in time for Halloween, reader Betty sent us this haunted house:

Address: 356 Ultimo Ave, 90814
Asking Price: $1,034,000
Size: 2 beds, 3 baths, 2,774 sq. ft. (built in 1965)
$/Sq. Ft.: $373
Purchase price: $54,500
Purchase date: 1/1980
MLS#: P659214
On Redfin: 4 days
Description: Probate Sale. Wonderful location. Property has large basement.

I mean...have you ever seen a nicer front door on a mausoleum?

Sadly, that's the only photo provided. And what a photo it is.

First, there appears to be more Camry than house in the frame.

Secondly, those prominently-featured power lines really pull you into the scene. I can almost hear the cancer-promoting buzzing and crackling radiating from those cables!

Third, I mean, just look at this friggin' place! What is it? From where did the design inspiration originate?

Early 1800s U.S. Army fort?

World War II Germany?

Or maybe from a galaxy far, far away?

(Actually, I think the AT-AT from Empire Strikes Back has more windows)

This beached submarine has a large basement, but it looks like the basement is actually on the second floor! That would explain the utterly horrifying lack of windows. Stranger still, the windowless side faces the street. Assuming the other side of the house actually has windows, they face the neighbor's property and don't provide any light! Creepers!

The worst part? The realtor believes this photo represents THE BEST ANGLE OF THIS HOUSE! I mean, why not feature that weird lean-to of a deck? Or a picture of that sure-to-be-impressive basement? Hell, I just want to know what a 2,774 square foot 2 bedroom looks like!

Alas, we're left to our imaginations. And from this one mysterious photo, I imagine the recently-deceased owner (great, now I feel like a dick for skewering this house. Sir or madam, I'll have you know that I do not hold the Delusual, idiotic pricing of your former house against you. The Abrams tank-like design features are another story) had cats.

Lots of cats.

That nobody bothered to find a home for after the departed left this mortal coil.

I picture animal feces piling up on the olive green shag carpet. Silverfish swimming in the rotting kitchen drawers. And thick, yellowing wallpaper covering the countless rats' nests behind the walls.

All it needs is a fog machine, some cobwebs, and the Ghost of Architechtural Past haunting the hallways and we've got ourselves a legitimate "horror house." You know, the one all the neighborhood kids were afraid to walk up to on Halloween. And a basement too?! Man, it's too perfect.

Anyhow, let's crunch some numbers like a cockroach!

Down Payment: $207,000 (assuming only 20% down is required--best of luck with that, Uncle Fester)
Monthly Payment: $6,500
Income Requirement: $258,750

It doesn't take a financial genius to determine this barracks is woefully overpriced. Yes, it's in a prime area, but look around you, buddy.

Here's a neighbor begging for 1.1 million (unsold in 212 days):

And another one asking $859,000 (65 days on market):

For heaven's sake, this 3,000 square foot monster, built just 7 years ago, can't get any love at $1.19 million (230 days and counting):

So what on earth makes this clueless numbskull believe he's entitled to ask (wish for) $1,035,000 for this shit box probate?! WTF?

I mean, and this is just a humble suggestion, do with it what you will, but maybe, just maybe, you might want to, oh, I dunno, TAKE A PEEK AT NEARBY, AWESOME-LOOKING HOUSES BEFORE YOU PRICE LIKE A GRADE-A DICKFACE!

Just a suggestion.

And, while I've got Halloween on my mind, I think I finally figured out the design inspiration for this house:


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