Greed: The American Way.

I hadn’t really been following the Olympics until I happened to catch the men’s 400 meter swim relay. Now that was some exciting television!

It made me so proud to be an American.

Sure, competing for gold medals on the world stage and representing your country is an incredible experience, but ultimately these athletes are competing for extremely lucrative endorsement deals. When they return from China, they will be absolutely inundated with offers from companies trying to get these men and women to shill for their consumer goods. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don't think a love of money is ALL bad. I just think we should talk honestly about it.

Anyhow, it got me thinking about all the cash involved in putting these Olympics on and what the root driver of the Olympics, in this day and age, actually is; from the reasons countries fight tooth and nail to host the games, to the competition for broadcasting rights, to the estimated $1.5 Billion spent on advertising: Greed.

It’s all about money. And for the many reasons I’m proud of this country, the one thing we do better than anyone else on the planet is pure, unadulterated GREED.

Here's another gold-medal winner:

Address: 226 Roycroft Ave, 90803
Asking Price: $1,950,000
Year Built: 1922
Size: 3 beds, 3 baths, 2,489 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $783
Purchase price: $980,000
Purchase date: 8/2005
MLS#: P638836
On Redfin: 81 days
Description: COMPLETE REMODEL! ELEGANT EUROPEAN CHATEAU NESTLED ABOVE BEACH TOWN OF BELMONT SHORS. ROOF TOP DINING. SUNSET OCEAN VIEWS. WINE CELLAR. GOURMET KITCHEN. STAIN GLASS WINDOWS. CHANDELIERS. LAP POOL + SPA. PENTHOUSE, MASTER SUITE. 8' TUB W/ FIREPLACE. WALK-IN SAUNA/ CHAISE BENCH. DETACHED STUDIO/ KITCHENETTE. SOUND PROOF RECORDING STUDIO.

Well, now that I’ve finally stopped laughing I can start my write up. I mean, “BELMONT SHORS”? Are you serious, dude? Your commission is like, $127,000, and you can’t even spell Belmont Shore??

Be honest, dear reader: have you ever seen an uglier $2 million house in your life? Is that a town home in Garden Grove? What is that?

And check out the interior. Good God, man. This thing is like a migraine wrapped in a box of vertigo, nestled in a dresser drawer of seasickness. Recording studio? Chandeliers? Wine cellar? Who is this place supposed to appeal to? 16th century oenophile dukes with a penchant for gold trim and making phat beats?

Methinks this seller expected their horrendous—I MEAN, eclectic taste would translate.

It hasn’t.

For 81 days.

And counting.

To recap, this idiot actually believes the hideous attempts to “upgrade” DOUBLED the property value in just three short years. This “COMPLETE REMODEL” is worth one million dollars? In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary...come again?

Shit man, do you have the other $850,000 insulating the recording studio walls or what? Because I can’t point to a single aspect of this house indicating more than $150,000 has been spent “improving” this Roaring 20’s relic.


Some might point to the construction of the so-called “lap pool.” The term "lap pool" implies you can make laps back and forth in said pool to promote vigorous cardiovascular exercise.



That pool is so small it looks like a lap would consist of stretching your arms out and touching both sides. Is that a lap bucket? Judging by the photos, the 8’ tub has more room than the supposed pool.



And don’t forget, the price tag does not include the (absolutely revolting) furniture or decorations they seem so proud of. Note: This may be a good thing.

To be fair, that rooftop patio is simply AWESOME. However, we all know it’s not $783-per-square-foot awesome.




Anyhow, assuming this chump finds this music-recording, wine-collecting, swimming-averse sucker—ERRR, buyer, just how much scratch would this mystery buyer need in order to purchase this vomitorium?

Well, for starters, the new buyer must walk in with $390,000 for a down payment. Period. So now in addition to being a wine-loving music producer with terrible taste and no interest in swimming, they would have to be an EXTREMELY WEALTHY wine-loving music producer with terrible taste and no interest in swimming. Boy, that buyer pool, much like the lap pool, keeps shrinking by the minute.

And by the way, that $390,000 down payment assumes the new buyer can actually get an ultra, mega, super jumbo loan with only 20% down. Shrink shrink shrink.



Okay, so we’ve established that the new buyer has a lot of money lying around in cash. How much is this going to cost him in carrying costs per month? Try at least 10 grand per month. Shrink shrink shrink.

So, just how much does a person who can comfortably afford a $10,000 monthly nut need to rake in annually to reasonably afford such an “ELEGANT EUROPEAN CHATEAU”? About $487,500. Shrink shrink shrink.

So let me get this straight. This seller, in the midst of one of the worst housing collapses in the history of the world, is catering to a music-recording, wine-collecting, swimming-averse buyer with absolutely no taste…that pulls in half a million per year?

That's an awfully narrow scope, but I think I’ve identified your new buyer:



And if that doesn’t work out, there’s always 2028.