Monday, July 28, 2008

Finished Before It Begins

The best way to describe this listing is as a defeated, exhausted shrug.

Address: 1130 E 1st St #301, 90802
Asking Price: $299,000
Year Built: 1959 (!)
Size: 2 beds, 2 baths, 977 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $306
HOA Fine: $287
Purchase price: $415,000
Purchase date: 1/2007
MLS#: P648286
On Redfin: 5 days
Down Payment: $60,000
Monthly Payment: $2,100
Income Requirement: $75,000
Description: Unit was remodled two years ago. All new flooring, kitchen appliances,paint and lots of nice up grades. Front Corner, top floor. Great view of the city, the Queen Mary is visable from in front of unit. Two, assigned underground parking spaces, come with this unit. Short sale.

Three words into the listing and there's a typo. "Remodled"? They actually meant to say "reMOLDed," because this place sure as hell isn't "remodeled."

Please, I beg of you, other than the wood floors show me one picture containing "visable" evidence this 50s relic was remodeled ever, let alone two years ago.

"All new kitchen appliances"?

Just a suggestion, dummy: How about a picture? Redfin was generous enough to give you 15 photo slots and you couldn't think to post photo proof of these sure-to-be impressive new appliances? How about just the kitchen? No? FIRED.

"All new paint"?

Really? You mean that bile yellow foulness that was probably found in Home Depot's discount rack? The same paint that cost $3.50 per gallon AND WILL NEED FOUR LAYERS OF PRIMER BEFORE A NON-VOMIT-INDUCING COLOR CAN BE IMMEDIATELY REPAINTED ON TOP OF IT?

"Lots of nice up grades."

Prove it. No really, prove it.

Oh, never mind. What's the point of badgering this numbskull?

It's clear that this realtor acknowledges, just as everyone else does, that this too-close-to-the-downtown-riff-raff septic tank will not sell at any price over $200,000. In this condition, $299k is a marshmallow dream.

The current asking price of $299,000 represents a rollback to 2004 prices, but you, me, and especially the real estate agent, know that this dump with its atrocious $287 monthly HOA (no pool for you sucka!), will get no action until it approaches the '03 price of $189,000. Wait a minute, 40% appreciation in one year? What the hell was everyone smoking? And what was our soon-to-be-foreclosed-on owner smoking when he paid $415,000 for this piece of sh*t?

Now you see why this listing is like waving the white flag before the first shot is fired. Everyone knows this place is doomed.

Check out these pictures and tell me you can't picture a realtor shrugging through this entire process:


"Whatevs, man..."

"Close enough...I guess..."

This place will rot like a corpse, and those pictures are worth a thousand worms.

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