The Only Certainties in Life

I've been traveling more than George Clooney's character in Up in the Air. Savannah was pretty cool and Austin was a blast as always.

Anyhow, I'm back and have been checking out this bungalow LBCee sent in:
ADDRESS: 5266 East APPIAN Way, 90803
ASKING PRICE: $899,000
BEDS: 3
BATHS: 2.75
SQ. FT.: 1,471
$/SQ. FT.: $611
LOT SIZE: 5,000 Sq. Ft.
YEAR BUILT: 1940
MLS#: P709784
ON REDFIN: 35 days
DOWN PAYMENT: $179,800
INCOME REQUIREMENT: (4x income): $225,000
MONTHLY NUT: $4,900
DESCRIPTION: Charming Belmont Park cottage style home. Included in sq. ftge. is detached guest quarters with 3/4 bathroom. Living room has brick fireplace. Dining room opens to kitchen and living room. Upgraded electrical and plumbing, forced air heat, A/C, hardwood floors throughout, plantation shutters, skylights, crown moldings. Spacious grassy backyard. Oversized 2-car garage. Walking distance to award winning Lowell Elementry, Rogers Middle School, Alamitos Bay and Marine Stadium.

How awesome is it that they misspelled “Elementry”? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

As the listing description notes, the 1,471 square feet also includes detached guest quarters. Translation: The main house, where you are going to live, is as cramped as a Hong Kong cemetery.

And some of these photos highlight just how tight things are:
Is that even a Queen bed? I would guess the primary residence is sub-1,000 squares. As LBCee said, “I’ve had closets bigger than the bedrooms in this house.”

But, as we all know, people are enthusiastically willing to give up personal space if it means living in prime areas of Long Beach. And they’re more than glad to pay a substantial premium to get there. So let’s not lose sight of just how awesome this location is—just 300 feet from Marine Stadium. It ain’t beachfront, but this neighborhood is D-E-S-I-R-A-B-L-E.

H-O-W-E-V-E-R, the underlying desire of buyers to get into this nabe is often grossly overestimated by sellers, and we get what we have here today: Yet another delusional Long Beach seller who thinks he’s special and immune to the realities of the current market.

With a $611 per square foot asking price, this turd burglar is blatantly insulting potential buyers. Conversely, the batshit-insane $899,000 price tag makes nearby sellers very happy because their larger spreads look positively cheap by comparison.

To make matters worse, this overpriced wonder isn’t even that impressive. Sure, it’s ultra clean and sports some upgrades, but scope these photos and tell me with a straight face that you’re looking at a NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR HOUSE.
Really? That justifies being the most expensive listing in the neighborhood?

The only certainties in life are Death, Taxes…and this cocky asshole reducing his price.

As LBCee pointed out, “You'd have to knock $250k right off the top of this listing price to get to around $500/sq.ft." That's the average price per square of listed homes in this area. And considering he paid $780,000 for this 69-year-old saltine box in early 2005, the lowest he can really go (taking commissions and upgrade money spent into account) is roughly $840,000 without taking a loss. There's no way that will get the job done.

Newsflash, you time-wasting fool: If you want to sell, your billfold will take a massive hit. End of story. So start pricing realistically and get it over with.

But I'll tell you one thing: If this place sells for $899,000 I hereby declare RE in the LBC over and done with. I will close up shop immediately. There would simply be no point documenting Long Beach real estate anymore because if someone is dumb enough to drop nearly a million bones on this average-looking sardine can, it means the world has gone completely fucking mad and it’s only a matter of minutes before water jugs and ammo rounds are the new must-have status symbols.