Friday, December 11, 2009

The Only Certainties in Life

I've been traveling more than George Clooney's character in Up in the Air. Savannah was pretty cool and Austin was a blast as always.

Anyhow, I'm back and have been checking out this bungalow LBCee sent in:
ADDRESS: 5266 East APPIAN Way, 90803
ASKING PRICE: $899,000
BATHS: 2.75
SQ. FT.: 1,471
$/SQ. FT.: $611
LOT SIZE: 5,000 Sq. Ft.
MLS#: P709784
ON REDFIN: 35 days
DOWN PAYMENT: $179,800
INCOME REQUIREMENT: (4x income): $225,000
DESCRIPTION: Charming Belmont Park cottage style home. Included in sq. ftge. is detached guest quarters with 3/4 bathroom. Living room has brick fireplace. Dining room opens to kitchen and living room. Upgraded electrical and plumbing, forced air heat, A/C, hardwood floors throughout, plantation shutters, skylights, crown moldings. Spacious grassy backyard. Oversized 2-car garage. Walking distance to award winning Lowell Elementry, Rogers Middle School, Alamitos Bay and Marine Stadium.

How awesome is it that they misspelled “Elementry”? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

As the listing description notes, the 1,471 square feet also includes detached guest quarters. Translation: The main house, where you are going to live, is as cramped as a Hong Kong cemetery.

And some of these photos highlight just how tight things are:
Is that even a Queen bed? I would guess the primary residence is sub-1,000 squares. As LBCee said, “I’ve had closets bigger than the bedrooms in this house.”

But, as we all know, people are enthusiastically willing to give up personal space if it means living in prime areas of Long Beach. And they’re more than glad to pay a substantial premium to get there. So let’s not lose sight of just how awesome this location is—just 300 feet from Marine Stadium. It ain’t beachfront, but this neighborhood is D-E-S-I-R-A-B-L-E.

H-O-W-E-V-E-R, the underlying desire of buyers to get into this nabe is often grossly overestimated by sellers, and we get what we have here today: Yet another delusional Long Beach seller who thinks he’s special and immune to the realities of the current market.

With a $611 per square foot asking price, this turd burglar is blatantly insulting potential buyers. Conversely, the batshit-insane $899,000 price tag makes nearby sellers very happy because their larger spreads look positively cheap by comparison.

To make matters worse, this overpriced wonder isn’t even that impressive. Sure, it’s ultra clean and sports some upgrades, but scope these photos and tell me with a straight face that you’re looking at a NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR HOUSE.
Really? That justifies being the most expensive listing in the neighborhood?

The only certainties in life are Death, Taxes…and this cocky asshole reducing his price.

As LBCee pointed out, “You'd have to knock $250k right off the top of this listing price to get to around $500/sq.ft." That's the average price per square of listed homes in this area. And considering he paid $780,000 for this 69-year-old saltine box in early 2005, the lowest he can really go (taking commissions and upgrade money spent into account) is roughly $840,000 without taking a loss. There's no way that will get the job done.

Newsflash, you time-wasting fool: If you want to sell, your billfold will take a massive hit. End of story. So start pricing realistically and get it over with.

But I'll tell you one thing: If this place sells for $899,000 I hereby declare RE in the LBC over and done with. I will close up shop immediately. There would simply be no point documenting Long Beach real estate anymore because if someone is dumb enough to drop nearly a million bones on this average-looking sardine can, it means the world has gone completely fucking mad and it’s only a matter of minutes before water jugs and ammo rounds are the new must-have status symbols.


  1. These Real Estate Savants also appear to live next to an apt complex. I suggest we start up a collection to start awarding either dunce hats or rose colored sunglasses to the "Real Estate Savants of The Beach Month" or SOBs of the month. This verges on the ridiculously insane! If these people find a buyer at this price, I also recommend we start up a collection to have the buyers sterilized as anybody this stupid should not be allowed to breed. The utter cluelessness of people never ceases to amaze me. As I used to say back in the day: "What in the motherF-ing F?"

  2. If this bungalow doesn't have a fireplace it's virtually sales-proof. What's the point of cute without a woodburning fireplace? At most it will fetch $550K.

  3. It appears to have a fireplace, but I'm still convinced Santa won't be coming down the chimney to deliver a Christmas miracle sale.

  4. I have a feeling you will be doing this blog for quite some time yet... Might be a lump of coal for X-mas for this greedtard...

  5. Anon 1, that isn't an apartment building next door, but a supersized home. It is not unusual in this neighborhood - people are increasingly tearing down the 1930s/40s/50s vintage houses and replacing them with large modern homes.

    The appeals of this part of Belmont Shore are:

    - there are no apartment buildings (not even duplexes) in the neighborhood, so parking is abundant.

    - lot sizes are a little larger - 3600 sf vs 2400 sf (I realize this is like recognizing tall Pygmies, but dirt near the beach is dearly priced). Zoom out on Redfin and compare with homes closer to 2nd Street.

    All that said, I'm not sure what the clearing price for this home should be. It is basically a quaint, livable tear-down on one of the busier streets in the area.

    If similar sized homes in Los Altos, for example, are selling for $450K, I'd guess this home will sell for a significant premium over that. I'd also guess that if this home was completely burned to the ground, the price wouldn't fall by more than $100K or so. Most of the value is in the dirt.

  6. The building next door is a 2 story jeannette architects redesigned mega-craftsman. Not an apt building, but still, it towers over the backyard of this place like watchtowers in a jailyard.

    Seems likely this house will end up being a short sale going for something like 650k-700k.

  7. Oldtimer-

    Check the comps. Prices per square foot in this area are below $500. This thing is way overpriced especially the dirt.