That Didn't Take Long.

This is an exciting day! Today's property is a first of its kind for Real Estate in the LBC!

Address: 780 Mira Mar, 90804
Asking Price: $358,900
Year Built: 1923
Size: 2 beds, 1 baths, 735 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $488 (Rrrrrrrrrrright...)
MLS#: P626601
On Redfin: 3 days
Description: Bank owned property, great opportunity, Charming two story traditional spanish style, has lots of potential. Cute bathroom and kitchen, this home is perfect for first time buyers. Why buy a condo when you can own a home in a quaint neighborhood!

And here's why this property is so special:

Purchase price: $481,400
Purchase date: 12/2007

That's right, friends...a FIRST PAYMENT DEFAULT.

This dummy, for whatever reason, decided to try his hand at real estate riches way too late in the game. Instead of fixing this place up (read: demolishing it) and flipping it for a healthy profit, he quickly discovered he didn't have enough scratch to put even one measly mortgage payment together, let alone make improvements. The foreclosure process typically takes around 90 days, and that's almost exactly where we are on the timeline.

Now, there is a possibility that the listed purchase in 12/2007 was actually the bank taking the property back at auction, but I find it very hard to believe this dump was bid up to half a million clams (after all, the bank was only into it for $410,000, so why wouldn't they just let the other bidder take it for that instead of fighting to keep this roach motel on their books?). Plus, that would mean the bank had three months to put lipstick on this pig and make it presentable, and this is what they ended up with.

So unless a reader can provide some more detail, I'm sticking to my conclusion that this was a dead beat flipper who realized immediately after signing on the dotted line that they weren't cut out for the real estate game in general, and the $3,000 monthly payment specifically.

Some notes:

"this home is perfect for first time buyers" (That's true, so long as these entry-level buyers pull in $90,000 a year. Maybe they meant "trust fund enhanced first time buyer")

"Why buy a condo when you can own a home in a quaint neighborhood!" (Assuming that was a poorly punctuated question, here's the answer: BECAUSE THIS DILAPIDATED PIECE OF SH*T COSTS $100,000 MORE THAN A DECENT CONDO THAT'S NOT SITUATED ACROSS FROM A SCHOOL AND IS IN A MUCH BETTER NEIGHBORHOOD!)

"Cute bathroom and kitchen" (Well, if you consider clear toilet seats "cute" I guess they're onto something. And if the kitchen is so cute, why not include a picture?)

Maybe they didn't show the kitchen because it was more important to include four nearly identical photos of the front of the house:

This crap shack is an absolute joke. The condition of this masterpiece (masterPOS, more like) makes the price patently offensive. A knife catcher already overpaid for this matchbox once, so the bank is hoping idiocy, much like lightning, strikes twice. Assuming the bank finds yet another knife catcher to swoop it up for $358,900, el banco estupido stands to lose a mind-blowing -$140,000 in three months! All for trying, out of the goodness of their hearts, to help someone acheive the American Dream.

"I've been a good bank, can I pleeeeeeease have a bailout?"

And truthfully, they deserve to lose every penny. To think loaning out a half a million dollars for this disaster was a smart, conservative financial move, they are clearly too dumb to be in the lending business. Good riddance.

Instead of agreeing to write up that jumbo loan, they would have been better off simply taking that 140 Grand, placing it into two little stacks, and throwing it into the fireplace...