Blink

Address: 4201 E 3rd St, 90804
Asking Price: $514,900
Year Built: 1922
Size: 2 beds, 1 bath, 1,163 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $443
Purchase price: $576,250
Purchase date: 11/6/2008
MLS#: S554980
On Redfin: 41 days
Down Payment: $103,000
Monthly Payment: $2,900
Income Requirement: $147,000
Description: Wow! Must see this great piece of property located on the corner of 3rd and Roswell. Darling 2 bedroom 1 bath with great patios on the side and in back for entertaining! Great open floor plan with lots of windows, hardwood floors and indoor laundry area. Fully tiled bath and and upgraded kitchen. Oversized garage for great storage. This one will be gone before you can blink!

*Blink*

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That's odd. The house is still there.

And still ugly as a war wound.

This listing tells you all you need to know about how it feels trying (I'm actually not sure if this qualifies as "trying") to sell a bank-owned property.

I mean, the fake enthusiasm just oozes off the screen. Three "Great"s, three exclamation marks, one "Darling" and a "Wow" to kick things off.

I'm particularly fond of listing descriptions that start with a "Wow!" but I don't see a single photo deserving of that word.



Unless of course, they meant "Wow! That's effing depressing!"



Jesus, those dust bunnies look like they bite!

The description mentions several key selling points, yet the agent failed to provide any photos.

"Oversized garage for great storage"? Prove it.

"and and [sic] upgraded kitchen"? Prove it.

To be fair, photos of the patios were provided (I think), but does this cramped, low-walled set-up look ideal for "entertaining"?





And we're definitely in the shit when the best thing about the bathroom is that it's "fully tiled." I should hope so! That's the informational equivalent of saying pine floors are made of wood.

It doesn't matter anyway, because the agent was too afraid to post a picture of this sure-to-be impressive bathroom. And we all know what that means. Yep, there's no sink, the toilet is a paint bucket, and the tile is grouted with ostrich poop.

The white flag is being waved so hard on this listing that someone's arms are going snap out of their sockets. Everyone involved (especially potential buyers) knows for a fact it will never sell for $514,900.



After all, it has been on the market (in some form) since February with no luck.

The most incredible, and telling, fact about the housing bubble is that this house sold in April 2006 for $749,000. Three-quarters of a million for this colossal piece of shit. Unbelievable.

Given, it's in an absolutely amazing neighborhood, but $644 per square foot? WTF were the buyers thinking? They clearly weren't thinking they could afford ~$4,500 a month in carrying costs because they lost the freaking house.

I would ask WTF the lender was thinking, but this was Spring 2006--they weren't thinking. And it cost them dearly.

Well, actually, that $200,000 loss will cost us taxpayers ultimately. But the past is the past. That loss has long since been written off. The real question is how much of a discount will be required to move this crusty casa.

The answer to that question is, um, a lot.

At this asking price, you would have to throw down $2,900 a month (after coming up with a $103,000 down payment). Surely possible for the more well-heeled Long Beach buyers, but consider that this house, just a few blocks away, is asking just $2,000 in rent:

And this it's a THREE BEDROOM!

So, assuming the bank gets serious about offloading this dust mite domicile and cuts the price to, oh, I dunno, $450,000, a knife-catcher might happily jump in. It's a killer neighborhood and location. But even after that significant $65,000 discount, it still wouldn't pencil out as a good investment.

Why? The primary reason, besides significantly lower nearby rents, is maintenance costs. Given the lack of meaningful photos (and the abysmal photos that were included) I'm betting upon closer inspection it's an absolute, god-awful mess. And clocking in at a sprightly 87 years of age, the need for significant deferred maintenance is guaranteed as well.

Do you see why Long Beach is nowhere near a bottom?

2009 is going to be a long year for crappy bank-owned properties that refuse to price like crappy, bank-owned properties.

OMG on MLK: UPDATE

Back from Vegas with a quick update on a property I featured back in April.

To jog your memory, the property was facing a quarter million in equity evaporation if it sold for the then-current asking price of $375,000.





Well, I'm happy to report that after a year languishing on the market...it sold!

Well, sort of.

The house went off the market in September, and in October a sale was posted for $340,000. Without the actual property records, I'm guessing that's the bank taking it back.

Taking it back for $163 per square foot, by the way. OUCHIES.

It hasn't popped back onto the market yet, so who knows how much they'll ask. In this neighborhood, that per square foot price sounds reasonable. But then again, the bank just lost -$280,000 and I imagine they want to recoup at least some of that money.

Work has been crazy--yes, even during Christmas break--so hang tight for resumption of regular updates.

I hope everyone has a safe, exciting New Year's Eve. I, on the other hand, am two weeks into a beard-growing contest, thereby killing any chance of a New Year's make out party. No, seriously, I'm even grossing myself out.

2009 is going to be a big year economically, politically, personally, and in just about every other way. Who knows, maybe some of you will step up to the plate and buy your little slice of the American Dream(tm)!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!

Dumbest. Seller. Ever: UPDATE

Count Chocula over at the Diplomat Dungeon reduced the price for the second time in five weeks.

As per ususal, the price cut is a meaningless gesture considering the WTF asking price, but it at least shows the listing isn't a joke. I was seriously beginning to think the seller died and everyone just forgot about the listing.

But come on, a pathetic 2% reduction in this buyer's market? Why bother?

This guy just doesn't get it. If you want to sell in this dismal market (especially in this neighborhood), you've got to be willing to deal. 6% total reductions in nearly two years isn't going to cut it.

But I guess after 659 days rotting on the MLS, you already knew that.

Rip Van Winkle Fell the Hell Asleep

Some co-workers and I are participating in a beard-growing contest during winter break. When we come back to the office in a few weeks, our beards will be rated on three criteria: 1) Placement, 2) Creativity, and 3) Overall Toughness.

Frankly, I have no idea how we came up with those categories, but there it is.

Now, I'm not a hairy guy to begin with and my beards tend to look patchier than a hobo's trousers, but today as I admired my five days of stubble I wondered what kind of mountain man masterpiece I could create with months to spare instead of weeks.



And as I pondered the benefits of having that kind of leisure time, I stumbled (stubbled?) upon the famously-bearded Rip Van Winkle trying to sell his condo.



Address: 800 E Ocean #805, 90802
Asking Price: $478,900
Year Built: 1928
Size: 1 bed, 1 bath, 839 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $571
HOA Fine: $973 (WTF?!)
MLS#: P571509
On Redfin: 617 days
Description: This beautifully appointed condo home features Ocean Views from every room. It has a large living room, dining area, kitchen, foyer, dressing area / home office, and lots of closet space. Floor to ceiling mirrors in the living and dining rooms reflect the exceptional ocean views. The glamorous kitchen includes a gas range and all appliances. The bathroom includes a full tub with shower, pedestal sink, black and white checkerboard square flooring and lots of built-in storage.

Imagine the beard you could grow during 617 days. And imagine how delusional you'd have to be to reduce your WTF asking price only once during that time!

I mean, you have to be awfully deep into REM to believe a pathetic 2.5% price cut in 617 days is reasonable. Seriously, dude, why bother even listing your place? I'm genuinely curious. You obviously have no intention of selling, so what's the point? Unless the realtor slept with your wife, I don't see why you'd put him through this.



It's as if Rip here put it up for sale in April 2007 when the bubble still seemed intact, and fell the hell asleep for the next 20 months. Now he's woken up in 2008 and sees that home values have dropped by nearly 50% in a year, unemployment is at 8.4% and climbing, credit has seized up, lending standards have constricted, we've entered one of the worst economic eras in our country's history...and promptly rolled over and went back to bed.

I really hope he can hear this up on the 8th floor:

WAKE THE FUCK UP BUDDY! IF YOU DON'T GET SERIOUS ABOUT SELLING VERY SOON, IN ANOTHER TWO YEARS YOU WILL BE LUCKY TO GET HALF OF YOUR CURRENT ASKING PRICE!


In addition to being helmed by a greedtarded seller, the most significant challenge to nabbing a sale is the astounding HOA fine. 973 bones a month?! For a one-bedroom?! In a building perpetually covered in scaffolding? Sweet jumpin' Jesus!

That amount would bring your monthly payment to $3,700. To realistically afford that monthly nut, a buyer's annual income would need to be $137,000. Not to mention the $96,000 down payment (that I'm sure plenty of people have just laying about). Mind you, this is FOR A ONE FREAKIN' BEDROOM APARTMENT!



In addition to nearly $1,000 in HOA fines, it's worth noting this mirrored-mongrel comes with zero kitchen or bathroom upgrades, dreadful community laundry, perpetual building renovation/repair, and two common walls.

Really guy? Only one price reduction? You really need to lower your Ambien dosage.

You readers don't need me to tell you that this apartment is incredibly overpriced. The days on market speak for themselves. Hell, even the Zillow estimate (which are usually wildly optimistic) only values this place at $310,000.



Then you throw in the neighbors asking nearly $100,000 less (or this two-bedroom asking $10,000 less), and it doesn't look good for RVW.

This place is a relic of the insanity, greed, and woefully misguided conventional wisdom of the Great Housing Bubble. Someday we'll all joke about the stragglers left behind who could never quite let go of the fantasy that "real estate always goes up."

Believe me, even years from now as condos are selling at 2001-2002 prices, these true believers will still be out there. Kind of like those Japanese soldiers stuck on remote islands, not realizing (or refusing to believe) that World War II had ended, continuing to fight the war decades after Japan's surrender. To some, denial is more addictive than the best heroin or crack that money can buy.